


it takes all kinds of weather

by sailboating



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Akira from Inaba, College AU, Getting Together, Halloween, Healing, M/M, Making Out, Non-Linear Narrative, Post canon, Sweaters, extremely blink and youll miss it souyo, four loko, goro and haru bonding over being morally grey, implied p4 ensemble that goro views as strangers, post therapy short haired goro, some angst with cheesy ending :3, tall!akira
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26261800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailboating/pseuds/sailboating
Summary: Goro briefly wondered if this Halloween would be the third year in a row that they ended up asleep in each other’s arms, but Akira wasn’t evenhereyet.Or, at least Goro thought he wasn’t here, until the scrappy brown haired kid in the kitchen took a breath to tell Goro what his own name was and was interrupted by Goro suddenly spinning around on his heel to face the door theinstanthe heard Akira’s laugh from the entryway, and he was already moving towards the direction of the sound before the flat-haired kitchen guy could say anything else.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Goro pines over Akira while waiting for him at a Halloween party
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 12
Kudos: 156





	it takes all kinds of weather

**Author's Note:**

> yes it is barely September. yes I am posting a halloween fic. just wanted shuake in sweaters and cat ears is that so much to ask T-T
> 
> to date this fic in the simplest way possible: picture the halloween that happens during canon... okay now this fic is 3 halloweens after that one. also this takes place during their second year of college, and I hc that Goro and Akira started college during the same year because Goro wanted to take some time off school! :')
> 
> title is from other people by beach house

Goro took a deep breath as he examined the chaos of the party from his isolated corner, taking another small sip from his can of Four Loko that he's been nursing all night as he watched the door of Haru’s large condo like a hawk. He wasn’t dressed in any costume since he didn’t really care about Halloween, having left his and Akira’s apartment wearing a warm grey cardigan over his white button-up shirt to face the chilly autumn air. He only bothered showing up to the party because Akira had looked at him with sparkling eyes and talked a mile a minute about how excited he was for Halloween this year, despite the fact that he sees all the ex-thieves and his friends from his hometown frequently each week during classes, work, and the countless theme parties their friend group insist on constantly throwing.

The brunette stood alone in his corner, slouched in on himself to not draw in any unwanted attention. His hair was shorter now, surprisingly making it look thicker, and he no longer bothered spending hours each morning trying to get his hair to appear perfect by straightening and styling it. People quickly forgot about him as though he had never been a celebrity in the first place, one of the only things from Maruki’s reality that coincidentally translated over to their true reality, but he cut his hair immediately after waking up the day after he thought he died in Shido’s palace to help disguise himself just in case.

Goro liked his hair like this, shorter, cut in layers, and somewhat fluffy, though never as fluffy as Akira’s of course. It was also nice that Maruki hadn’t known he cut his hair, it was something that existed only in their true reality for him to have for himself. It reminded him that no one was controlling him anymore. 

Leaning against the wall in his corner in Haru’s condo, Goro kept an aggressively cold look on his face just in case if someone _did_ notice him, they wouldn’t assume he was lonely and try to approach him. Even though he was, in fact, lonely without his best friend here. Still, the other thieves should know him well enough by now to be able to tell that he is not in the mood to talk to anyone who isn’t Akira.

Goro was expecting Akira to leave the apartment with him to come to Haru’s party together, but earlier in the day Akira got a text from his manager at Big Bang Burger scheduling him last minute for a long shift that night. Even though Goro knew Akira wanted to get to the party as fast as possible and was probably having a terrible time dealing with drunk idiots wanting fast food on Halloween night, he couldn’t help but start feeling impatient as he waited for his best friend to show up. Goro resisted the urge to take another sip of his drink that he’s been holding for hours now because he doesn’t want Akira to have to deal with another drunk idiot as soon as he gets here. He wanted them to.. be drunk idiots together.

He was starting to get _bored_ surrounded by other drunk idiots but like hell if he was going to talk to any of the ex-thieves or Akira’s Inaba friends that Goro still didn’t even know the names of and had barely ever spoken to. He’s come to consider the thieves to be his own friends, but when they were all thrown into one room together with alcohol, they were too overwhelming for Goro to even attempt being social. 

He took his phone out of his pocket and tried to not let his disappointment show on his face when he saw he had no messages from the one person he actually wanted to talk to. Goro sighed as he slipped his phone back into the pocket of the black skinny jeans he stole from Akira. At this point their clothes had become just as communal as their living space.

There were a few factors that led to Goro and Akira moving in together during the summer before starting university. One of the most obvious reasons was because they were broke college students, and the money Shido left behind for him after his court-ordered death wasn’t much after Goro set enough aside to fully cover his tuition and pay for his therapy. Most of the money Akira had made in the metaverse was used up during his time as a phantom thief to pay for the best equipment, protection, and medicine for his team, so the two of them both figured that having a roommate to split the cost of rent would be the best way to go about things. 

Only Goro hadn’t pictured Akira as his roommate until the other boy got down on one knee and offered him a key to his apartment like it was a ring and dramatically asked with the most smug grin the brunette had ever seen in his life, “Goro Akechi, will you move in with me so I can quit my second job?”

When Goro had inquired _why me?_ in response, Akira’s smile only widened from where he was still kneeling on the floor and laughed as if it was obvious, “They say not to be roommates with your friends because it will make you end up hating each other. So, maybe if I become roommates with my rival, the opposite will happen and we’ll become closer? Just say yes, Goro.”

If Goro hadn’t spent over a year in therapy trying to learn empathy and how to accept help from others and how to understand and express his emotions in a healthy way, he would’ve sneered at Akira and told him he didn’t want to be any closer to him, despite the fact that deep down Goro had definitely, always, very very much wanted to be closer with him. If Goro had been as far along in his therapy as he was now, he would have been honest with Akira and told him he’s already his best friend. 

Akira, who had seen him at his worst, just kept smiling at him. Akira, who understood him and could tell what Goro was thinking from only looking at his expression, knew that Goro _did_ want to be closer with him, so Akira just widened his hopeful eyes to encourage the other boy to agree to his proposal.

“I just want you around, Goro. I… want to keep at eye on you. It would be nice to come home every day to see you here and make sure you’re…” _safe, healthy, alive_ , Akira would have finished with if he hadn’t trailed off as he lowered his eyes to look down at his feet, his confident smile slipping off his face to be replaced with a far-off look in his eyes. A pre-therapy Goro would have told him that he can handle himself and Akira thinking that he can’t is _insulting,_ but now he just thought it was sweet that Akira cared about him so much, and he hated seeing that defeated look on Akira’s face.

This was _Akira,_ who deserved the entire universe, who should never have to feel a second of sadness or doubt ever in his life. Even if Akira hadn’t been faced with the burden of having to save the world twice, if he had the chance to live as a regular teenager, he would still deserve the universe. Even though Goro found himself forgetting sometimes because of how easy things were, the two of them could never be just _normal college students._ The two of them shared a special bond that was indescribable even within the bounds of Goro’s extensive vocabulary. No one understood what they had gone through as much as the other did, so that was the second reason why Goro decided to move in with him.

Plus, this was easier than his original plan of searching for a roommate on Craigslist that might find him some serious weirdos. Though, Akira might actually be a weirder roommate than even some of the weirdest people on Craigslist. Goro didn’t even want to think about if he himself could technically be considered a Craigslist killer. 

What he did want to think about was how it _would_ be nice to greet Akira each night when he returned from work, to have his coffee before leaving for class, to watch movies with him and eat dinner with him and see him every day. _Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts._

It was probably evident on his face that he was leaning towards saying yes because Akira had a soft, patient smile on his face with a glimpse of accomplishment in his eyes as he watched Goro think it over. Goro figured that it makes sense that he moves in with Akira because, well… it’s _Akira._ Akira, who is the first person he allowed himself to be real with. Akira, who wanted him around, whose one wish was to have Goro with him. 

Goro still didn’t fully understand it, but when he woke up a year prior to moving in with Akira on February 4th, his memories came back to him as he realized he was in the rehab facility Sae had helped him check into on Christmas Eve, the one his mother would take him to as a child. The one Maruki didn’t know he was staying at because Maruki didn’t know that Goro was alive at all. 

He was only left more confused as he thought about the last time he woke up like this, which there was still a small gap in his memories that hadn’t flooded back with the other realizations. He remembered dying on the floor of Shido’s ship with his last thoughts being _it’s so cold_ and, for the first time, _I don’t want to die_ before he woke up suddenly on a park bench a few blocks away from his apartment on what he confirmed to be the next day when he checked his phone that was tucked safely in his pocket as though nothing had happened.

Goro walked the few blocks home and called Sae to ask if she wanted to meet for lunch later in the week, during which he would plan to ask her for... _help_. He would ask someone for help for the first time in his life.

He was just so tired. So tired of Shido, so tired of being so angry and miserable all the time, so tired of existing, and he just wanted to disappear for a while. He was tired of hurting, so he would ask Sae to help him find the place his mother would take him to when she had also been tired of hurting, where they would stay for weeks at a time as he watched her energy recharge while they bathed and relaxed and she talked through her problems with the other adults. 

It would take some time, but he would eventually reach out to Akira again, because he was tired of pretending that he didn’t want him in his life.

When Goro arrived back at his apartment, he immediately checked to see if there was any evidence that he had been shot by the cognitive version of himself. There was a scar on his upper abdomen over his ribcage, a scar that wasn’t painful to touch and oddly looked like it was already long-healed. He didn’t think it looked much like a scar from a bullet wound, but he was too tired to place what the odd shape reminded him of.

Later Goro found himself hoping that Akira would even want him back in his life before collapsing on his bed and taking a long nap. For the first time in a long time, he had a dream that wasn’t a nightmare.

He had thought about it a lot since then and came to the conclusion that he had forgotten all of this in Maruki’s reality because Maruki had thought he died on Shido’s ship. He also thought about how, alive or not, Akira wished to have Goro around.

Not even his mom wanted him around. She loved him and tried to care for him the best that she could despite their circumstances, but she had never wanted him in the first place and that unfortunately never changed as he grew older. Goro’s mom loved him, because _of course_ she loved him, the way a mom still loves her son even though being stuck with a child ruined her life. Her love turned more hollow in the later years of her life when things kept getting worse. His mother was emotionless overall, and to the point of a miserable despair that Goro wished he could have cured with his presence but feared only made it worse. 

Goro always wanted to ask her if she would be friends with him if they were the same age, but he was too scared of what the answer would be. He wanted to ask her if she _liked_ him and didn’t just love him because she had to, but he ran out of time before he ever could.

But with Akira, Goro didn’t have to wonder if he liked him, because he made it clear that he enjoyed Goro’s presence and their friendship. Goro didn’t have to question if Akira wanted him around because he proved that he did when… well, the whole _god creating an entire universe to make everyone’s wishes come true and my best friend’s wish was to be with me_ spiel. 

So Goro said _fine, I’ll move in with you_ and took the key to Akira’s apartment from said boy who was still on one knee on the floor, and Akira’s smile widened so much that Goro wondered if it hurt him as he found himself smiling back at ~~the boy that he loves.~~

…

…

_???_

… 

…  
_That can’t be right..???_

…

…

_~~Fuck.~~  
_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back on it now, Goro thinks he probably should have realized he was in love with Akira sooner as it was pretty obvious. The problem was he didn’t know if Akira, who didn’t just deserve the entire universe, _is_ the entire universe and has a constantly growing list of confidants and could have anyone he wanted wrapped around his finger in a second, loved him back. Why would he? Goro has genuinely tried to make amends with the ex-phantom thieves, but, as his therapist would say, _recovery isn’t linear Goro, these things take time,_ so despite his best attempts at trying to practice empathy, he wasn’t magically a perfect person like the people Akira surrounded himself with. 

Goro just.. has a mean sense of humor. He laughs every time Morgana falls off the couch in their apartment, and he’ll stay on his break longer than necessary at his job at Frostbucks during rush hour so Ann and Mishima have to work extra hard, and once he tried to manipulate Ryuji into eating dog food by telling him that it’ll make him smarter, even going the extra mile by getting Futaba in on it to find out through Ryuji’s search history what the loud blond boy _did_ have knowledge on so Goro could ask him stupid questions to make him feel smarter. Okay, yeah that one was pretty funny until Makoto found out what they were doing after Ryuji ate kibble for a week and made them apologize to him. Still funny though.

Goro knows his therapist would tell him that these are just things that friends do, and he knows that him considering this stuff to be mean when he used to commit murder without much second thought is probably some type of progress in some way, but he still considers himself to be a mean person. And why would Akira want someone like _that?_

Goro ran his hand through his hair, a hand not covered by gloves that he didn’t need to wear anymore, only during the winter when he didn’t want his fingers to freeze off. It was cold tonight, but he didn’t wear them because he had grown used to not wearing them every single day despite the weather, so he hadn’t even thought to put them on. He no longer needed the gloves he used to wear to not bite his nails out of constant anxiety and so he wouldn’t have to think about all the blood on his hands. He no longer needed to shield himself from his past actions or hide himself from others.

He knows Akira kept the glove he gave him, the only person who could understand the weight of the message Goro was trying to send. 

_Akira._

Where _is_ he?

Goro sighed as he brought his phone out of his pocket to check the time again. Akira’s shift was supposed to end over 30 minutes ago, but there was no text from him to tell him that he was on his way. Maybe he was still at their apartment putting on whatever stupid costume he must have bought. Or he didn’t care enough to tell Goro he was on his way...

He lifted his drink to his mouth to help push that thought to the back of his mind when he noticed that the can was empty. _Great._ Goro sighed as he pushed himself off the wall and figured he could take a break from staring at the door like it would suddenly open to reveal itself to be a portal to hell, _hell_ being Haru Okumura’s penthouse condo that was worth more money than he could even fathom in his mind. He didn’t expect hell would be filled with Akira’s obnoxious group of too-welcoming friends dressed in stupidly bright costumes to fit the burlesque theme Haru chose, not allowing anyone to protest because of their stupid rule that the person who hosts the party picks the theme. Only this group of people would be the type to have so many theme parties that they need _rules._

When Haru had shown up to Goro and Akira’s apartment to hand deliver the invitation that was elegant enough in itself, she casually mentioned to them that if she had more time to plan they could have used her mansion just outside of the city that had a ballroom but told them not to worry because it will be perfect for their next occasion. Goro just sighed, not from Haru’s nonchalant display of wealth that he was still getting used to (especially since he had been just about to leave for his shift at his stupid, terrible, _nightmare_ of a job at Frostbucks), but from noticing that, of course there will be another party between Halloween and their Christmas party at Sumire’s that they were already planning, because Haru, just like the other ex-phantom thieves, _loved_ themed parties. Goro had thought that _Halloween_ was supposed to be a theme in itself, but it’s not like he would have dressed up anyway. 

Goro made his way over to the open-concept modern kitchen, connected to Haru’s living room that was filled with avant garde art pieces that the young billionaire likely purchased straight out of a museum. He laughed imagining Haru in a prestigious museum with a clipboard to jot down which sculptures and paintings she would want to bring home with her, along with Yusuke to explain the artistic value of the pieces and some men in suits who understood the _value_ value of the art. 

The imagined scene reminded Goro of the time Akira dragged him to Ikea a couple months after it took Goro less than an hour to move his things into Akira’s apartment _and_ unpack it all. When they finally arrived at the furniture store after Akira refused to tell him where he was taking him, Goro wondered if Futaba had seen his search history and knew about his endless scrolling on Ikea’s website and his embarrassing guilty pleasure Pinterest boards.

 _Oh, god._ Goro thought, following the eager boy in front of him into the large store and trying to conceal his own eagerness, _They’ve both definitely seen my stupid, embarrassing guilty pleasure Pinterest boards._

Unlike Haru Okumura in Goro’s imagined scene of her effortlessly shopping in a museum, the two of them had a _budget._ He felt bad about pointing out which things he liked because Akira had just quit his second job now that the two of them were splitting the rent and he didn’t want Akira to have to defeatedly go back to the stressful retail place that didn’t pay him well enough and beg for his job back because Goro spent all their money on things they didn’t actually need.

Akira must have sensed his hesitance because he sat Goro down on one of the couches that was part of a display of a quaint studio apartment. Other people were still shuffling around the display room, but Goro couldn’t bring himself to care about anyone else because Akira was looking at him with caring eyes and asked if he was okay and Goro wanted to kiss him _so badly._

Goro let himself imagine a scenario in this small apartment display. A scenario in which him and Akira would always find each other despite their circumstances. If this studio apartment display in Ikea had a bigger purpose than just an example of what you yourself could do with the Swedish furniture, if this display was a _real_ apartment that the two of them shared in another universe where they sat together on the couch each night to talk about their problems that paled in comparison to what they both had experienced in this universe.

Goro imagines. He daydreams as he gazes into Akira’s concerned eyes for just a little bit longer. 

If other universes were to somehow exist, Goro thinks there wouldn’t be a single version of countless, shitty worlds where the two of them didn’t find each other. In any room, Goro’s eyes would land on Akira.

Because Akira was _special._ Akira was caring and loving and never gave up on trying to make Goro see that he was special too. He knew they would always find each other in any world because there was something bigger than the two of them that drew them to each other, like a magnet, or gravity pulling each other into their own orbit. Goro sighed as he looked into Akira’s grey eyes that still managed to shine like the sun, because Akira _was_ the sun, and he had a limitless number of planets orbiting him in the form of friends that Goro didn’t compare to.

 _This sucks,_ Goro thought, because it did suck. He didn’t think the whole being in love with his best friend thing would be so shitty. It was even worse that it _hurts,_ and Akira would probably feel terrible for causing the heartache in Goro’s chest that he couldn’t control. He didn’t want Akira to feel terrible, and Goro wanted to stop feeling so immature like a lovesick middle schooler, but looking into Akira’s eyes that were still looking at Goro with so much patience and care as he waited for Goro to tell him what was wrong was so overwhelming that Goro had to shut his own eyes because he could only focus on one thing at a time, and he could feel himself _falling in love all over again._

Akira cared about him, and learning to accept Akira’s care without protest was still something Goro struggled with, but Goro _wanted_ to make an effort to show Akira that he appreciated how much he cared despite the fact that Goro’s natural instinct was to refuse help and push away anything that was idiotic enough to care about him. Goro had grown up to expect that those he loved would eventually abandon him, and unlearning that was difficult, but it got easier as Akira showed him honesty and trust, and Goro knew better than to think someone like Akira would ever abandon him.

He was slowly becoming more comfortable with the fact that people cared about him now. And Goro wanted to show that he was making an effort and that he wasn’t lying when he said he truly wanted to make amends. 

Learning how to talk about his feelings was another uphill battle that took some time getting used to. His first couple months of therapy were rough and mostly silent. His therapist would eat her lunch during their hour that they spent together _every single day_ when he was at the rehab center, now going twice a week to see the same therapist on her days that she was scheduled to work at her Tokyo office, sometimes going three times a week when he really needed to vent to someone who wasn’t Akira. 

Because _Akira,_ god bless his sweet, beautiful heart, was too kind for his own good and always tried to _fix_ Goro’s problems when sometimes all he wanted Akira to do was just listen and say _yeah, that fucking sucks._

Goro had previously made a mental note to ask Sae if she still had the list of therapists she had given him when they met up after Goro somehow survived what happened in Shido’s palace. He knew that Akira was dealing with his own trauma that he didn’t know how to express in a healthy way that didn’t involve burying his sorrows and throwing all his energy into helping others because he didn’t want anyone else to suffer through the same problems that he did.

He had watched Akira live somewhat aimlessly for a bit until Goro quickly got tired of seeing him mope around as _Akira,_ who Goro saw as _the sun,_ changed his major 3 times because he couldn’t figure out what to do with himself, _Akira,_ who Goro saw as _the universe,_ began to lose the spark in his eyes as he let himself sulk his way through days that he now saw as pointless because he thought his life had peaked when he saved the world, and Goro internally panicked because in Akira’s eyes were emotions and experiences and light that Goro had fallen in love with, and seeing those beautiful eyes dull after they had filled Goro with hope for a better future and a fuzziness he had never felt before was, quite literally, the worst thing to ever happen.

Goro had to muster all his acting skills to not let his panic show on his face when he approached Akira about it, and Goro told him that in therapy he had to learn how to talk about his feelings and it was shitty and he hated it, and now Akira has to also learn how to talk about his feelings because, as the only person who was capable of keeping up with Goro, anything that Goro learned, Akira had to learn too, because that’s how a rivalry works and it was only fair.

So Akira tried, he stumbled over his words as he tried his best to explain his feelings to Goro, but he could tell that Akira didn’t really understand his own emotions. Goro just nodded as Akira worked out his thoughts to make sense of the jumble of emotions that Goro was all too familiar with, and Goro, who was no therapist, responded with the things he wanted Akira to tell him when he would rant to him. _Yeah_ , Goro told him as he ran a hand through Akira’s messy hair with a gentleness he wouldn’t have thought he could possess until recently, _that fucking sucks._

He was slightly worried that it seemed insincere, but Akira seemed to appreciate it as he kept talking about how he felt. Goro decided at that moment that he would call Sae as soon as Akira felt better to get Akira a real therapist, Goro would even offer to call the doctor’s office to make an appointment for him because he knew Akira got really nervous when he had to speak with strangers on the phone. Goro hated calling strangers too, and it _would_ be a stranger, no way would Goro set up an appointment with his own therapist for Akira because he would probably tear all his skin off wondering what he was saying to her about him. Goro figured his own phone-related anxiety wasn’t enough of an obstacle to stop him from trying to help Akira properly deal with his savior complex and his emptiness and what Goro clearly recognized as _anger._

Goro wondered if Akira knew how angry he was. Akira still seemed as though he didn’t fully understand the array of emotions behind the pain he had felt when he thought he lost Goro twice in an unfair game that both of them had lost before they even knew it started. Goro listened to Akira confess to him about the time he cried for hours in front of the secondhand shop in Yongen-Jaya that Goro remembered as the one he would linger around before making his way to Leblanc. 

Goro had already known that Akira had cried there when the shop owner told him about it when he had spotted Goro leaving after making a deal with Akira in the laundromat when they were thrown into Maruki’s reality. Goro didn’t understand why this man still had the memory of watching Goro wander around aimlessly like a ghost around Yongen-Jaya a week before he would have to shoot Akira and the memory of Akira sobbing for hours in a sad, curled up heap on the ground outside his store when Goro wasn’t supposed to ever have been a criminal in this reality and had never _died._

He figured that the memories must have not been erased because there was no possible way the shop owner could know what had really happened to make the two boys act in such odd ways, so him keeping the memories was harmless. Goro had always been annoyed that he was never able to fully understand what the boundaries of Maruki’s powers, but his assumptions that Maruki didn’t erase the memory because he wanted a perfect homoerotic world were confirmed when the shop owner told Goro that he was glad to see him because he was worried that _”you and the Sakura kid had broken up,”_ and the shop owner must have taken Goro’s smile at Akira being referred to as _the Sakura kid_ as confirmation that the two did not break up.

 _”Relationships are hard sometimes, kid, I get it.”_ Goro didn’t bother correcting him, telling himself that it would just be too much of a hassle and ignored the part of him that was screaming that he really _liked_ the idea of people viewing him and Akira as a couple. _”I’ve been married for 30 years. The secret is finding ways to deal with pent up frustration, I could show you if you want.”_

Goro had enough pent up frustration that he could somehow power an entire city if he turned his frustration into energy somehow, so he found himself agreeing.

And he did turn his frustration into energy, in a way, as the shop owner locked up the store and took him to a junkyard filled with hundreds old cars and handed him a baseball bat and told him to start smashing away.

Goro just looked at the bat that had the logo of the Yongen-Jaya batting cages on it and laughed. He laughed because it made sense to take out his anger this way, and maybe he would start doing this once the metaverse was gone for good and he couldn’t lash out at shadows anymore. He laughed because he remembered that once they escaped Maruki’s reality he wouldn’t _be_ there to take out his anger anymore and that really sucked because he was starting to enjoy being himself around Akira and not being judged. He laughed because he honestly really wanted to smash a car.

So, Goro took Akira there, because Akira was _angry_ about his free will being ripped away from him and being forced to think that he was too late to save Goro twice. Goro was angry about it too, being forced to think that he would die again all because Maruki wanted to be a romantic, and as he thought about the image of Akira breaking down because he thought Shido’s _stupid cognition_ of him shot him in the stomach, and Goro wondered if Akira also cried when he called first thing on February 4th and Goro didn’t answer. 

Goro felt bad about that now but at the time he had assumed that Akira understood what he meant when he saw Akira calling him _first thing on February 4th_ and Goro declined the call immediately as he tried to process that he was alive and he had somehow miraculously survived dying on the cold floor of Shido’s ship, and he knew Akira would take Goro rejecting the call after one ring as confirmation that he was alive and needed time to process everything. He really admired Akira’s ability to communicate with him without words when Akira called him exactly a week later when Goro was staring at his messages with Akira and hovering his thumb over the call button, almost as though Akira could sense him and knew that he was ready to talk.

When Goro had hung up on Akira a week prior to his second call, he figured Akira would know what he meant. As the sun set, he climbed into his bed at the rehab center that felt _warm,_ he rested his eyes for awhile and tried to process the weird feeling of having memories of both the occurrences of Maruki’s reality _and_ true reality. He thought about when he was convinced that he was going to die in Shido’s palace and vanish after they defeated Maruki and how both times he had thought _I don’t want to die. I don’t want to disappear._

It really did feel.. odd.. to have his memories from Maruki’s reality and true reality overlap from the same time period. He kind of felt like Schrödinger's cat. He snorted thinking that Akira would probably like that joke.

_Akira.._

He couldn’t bring himself to tell Akira that he didn’t want to disappear, not when this burden of making a profound decision on his own was placed on this boy’s shoulders. Goro didn’t want to make it even harder for him. Goro didn’t see him as Joker, the unbreakable hero who was practically idol worshipped by the other phantom thieves in their true reality until all their problems were solved by Maruki and they discarded him because they didn’t need a hero anymore. Goro just saw him as _Akira,_ who was decidedly special, yes, but who was also a _high school boy_ and deserved to live a carefree and happy life, and Goro thought it wasn’t fair to either of them that it had to be _Akira,_ the only person who could keep up with him and the first person who had ever actually wanted Goro around and the nice barista with a soft smile who deserved to finally be shown the same amount of kindness that he gave to everyone else with his heart on his sleeve, who ended up being the leader of the phantom thieves and was now being forced to make a decision against his will. 

Goro saw Akira, the high school boy and his favorite barista, look at him with fragile dark eyes trying his hardest to not let tears fall as he told Goro they would stop Maruki the next day. Goro admired him for being strong because no tears did end up falling, and Akira was able to pull himself together again to become Joker again. Goro couldn’t help but think that Akira shouldn’t have to always be _strong,_ he shouldn’t have to hide behind false bravery to face a task this significant, Akira should be allowed to cry over this.

Now, alive in his bed on February 4th, Goro thinks about Akira’s eyes and how they must have looked after he cried when he thought Goro died the first time, and Goro realizes he should probably be an adult for once and stop assuming Akira understands all the cryptic messages that Goro tries to send him telepathically and just use his words. Because just like Goro does, Akira has a tendency to overthink things, and Goro hanging up on him could have caused hundreds of possible reasonings behind it to spiral in Akira’s mind, and there was no point in further complicating things when they could finally be free now.

So he should probably let Akira know he’s alive.

 **Goro:** I cut my hair

It was just.. the first thing he thought of. He really was tired and he assumed Akira was too, so they could have a heart to heart with ugly tears some other time because right now he just wanted Akira to know he was alive then sleep for 16 hours.

Goro backtracks on his earlier thoughts about having to completely act like an adult when Akira, the cute boy who was so friendly that he had his own gravitational pull, the high school boy who could finally let himself have hope for happiness in the future and a potential bond of trust with Goro who he had tried so hard to save, texted him back, and Goro smiled because he felt like a high school boy himself.

 **Akira:** WHAT 

**Akira:** GORO LEMME SEE (＠_＠)

 **Goro:** You’ll have to come visit me...

 **Akira:** ─=≡Σ(((っ≧ω≦)っ AHH!!!

He eventually started opening up to Akira about heavier things once the two of them settled into a routine of Akira and Goro talking for hours on the phone every few days. Goro would tell him about how life in rehab has been going and Akira would tell him about how he was nervous to go back to his hometown soon because he felt painfully lonely there, so Goro would tell him not to feel lonely because he’ll always have him, and Akira would get all sentimental and tell Goro how happy he was that he had survived, and Goro would steady his breathing and ignore the quickening of his heartbeat as he called Akira a sap before eventually giving in and telling him that he was happy to have Akira in his life as well. 

Goro was determined to communicate with Akira this time. They had made a silent commitment of friendship to each other when Goro accepted Akira back into his life and vice versa, and Goro wasn’t one to half-ass anything. 

When Akira visited him at the rehab center the first time, Akira hugged him as soon as he saw him, and Goro… couldn’t remember the last time he had been hugged. Sometimes in the past he accepted quick hallway hugs when fans would nervously ask if they could give him a hug, but never had Goro been fully **embraced** like this, and the two of them must have stayed in each other’s arms for around 20 minutes just holding each other and listening to the other breathe as they talked about their lives and how much they missed each other. 

Goro showed him around and the two of them spent a peaceful day together. They took a bath together and Goro thought about how the last time they did this together Goro had told Akira about this place. When Akira’s eyes found the scar over Goro’s ribcage, he studied the shape in contemplation before he eventually smiled and said, “It’s kind of cute, it’s like you have butterflies in your tummy, Goro~”

That’s when Goro realized that the shape of the scar that he couldn’t place did look a lot like a butterfly. It was cute in a sort of weird, morbid way, he supposes.

When Akira visited him at the rehab center on his birthday (which Goro figured Sae had told him after learning his date of birth from his record, because she had also sent him a happy birthday text) and asked Goro what he wanted to do, Goro asked him if he could drive him the 20 minutes to visit his mother’s grave with him. 

He told Akira about how he never blamed his mom for leaving him because he reached the same point of hollow despair that she had become engulfed in during the last few years of her life. He told Akira that the only thing that had kept him going before was the thought of his father’s last words being an apology to his mother as Goro slit his throat and watched him slowly die. All Goro had wanted was to hear Shido say her name when Goro couldn’t even afford to have his mother’s name engraved on the blank tombstone the cemetery gave to her when he watched them bury her at 8 years old. Goro told Akira that there was nothing he could have done to save him at that point because he was so blinded by his own rage that he planned on pointing a gun at his own head to give himself a quick and meaningless death that would contrast from his father’s slow death where Goro would revel in watching the life leave his disgusting eyes.

Goro told Akira to not blame himself for what happened to him, and when he saw Akira trying to hide the frightened look in his eyes whenever he thought about Goro dying, he would wrap his arms around Akira in a hug as he told him that he finally felt like he had a reason to live.

Opening up to Akira kept getting easier, so he kept doing it. It felt euphoric to let everything out, and Akira would always hold him afterwards, usually in silence. The silence was nice and comfortable after crying and digging up forgotten wounds, and sometimes the two of them would lay together on Akira’s bed and Akira would rest his hand on Goro’s wrist just to feel his pulse, and Goro would hope that his heart wasn’t beating embarrassingly fast, but he could feel the quick pace of Akira’s own heart from where Goro was resting his head on his chest, so he didn’t let himself worry about it too much.

So yeah, the peaceful silence was really nice, and Goro would always smile because he really appreciated the way his head felt clear and light after emptying all his thoughts to Akira. But the silence wasn’t nice when it was _Akira_ who was bottling up his feelings and _Akira_ who didn’t know how to deal with the anger he didn’t even know he had in him. 

But Goro knew anger. And he knew Akira would appreciate Goro just being there to listen to him rant and setting up an appointment with a therapist for him, but Goro wanted to do _more_ for Akira to show him that it’s okay to be angry about things that aren’t fair and it’s even okay to be angry sometimes for purely selfish reasons too, so he took Akira to the junkyard filled with old cars that had been stripped of their working parts, and he handed a bat to Akira and told him to start smashing away just as the owner of the secondhand shop had told him when he first came here to release his anger. 

So the two of them laughed as they smashed cars together. Then they came back to smash more cars together, and sometimes they would each go alone. Goro was just glad he could do something to help Akira in return for all the help he had given him, and a smile didn’t leave Goro’s face when he saw the spark return to Akira’s shining eyes as he told Goro that he felt like he had a reason to live too.

Sitting there on the couch in Ikea in another universe, Goro opened his eyes again to see Akira still waiting to tell him what was wrong. And since Goro had gotten better at talking to Akira about how he felt, he figured he should tell Akira that he felt guilty about spending their tight budget on things to decorate his space when Akira had _just_ quit his second job and still manages to come home from a long day of classes and a shift at work each day to make dinner for the two of them, and Goro felt selfish for not being able to give enough in return. Akira just told him not to worry because some super rich drunk lawyer dude had given him a _huge_ tip at Big Bang Burger that week when Akira accidentally gave him large fries instead of medium, and even if he hadn’t gotten the tip, Goro’s presence is enough in itself and Akira just wanted him to feel like he had his own _home_ and wasn’t just staying at _Akira’s apartment._

Goro felt selfish when he found himself hoping that the guy who left Akira the huge tip wasn’t flirting with him. He shoved that train of thought somewhere to the back of his mind and instead thought about how he hadn’t had a place that he really considered a home in a long time.

When he looked back up at Akira’s bright eyes as he nodded in understanding at his words, all the thoughts that were running through Goro’s mind a mile a minute suddenly stopped, and all he could conjure in his brain was a pathetic wail of _please, please kiss me, I just want you to kiss me_ as if he repeating it in his mind loud enough would somehow make it possible for Akira to hear his thoughts.

Akira, of course, was not a mind reader, so he did not kiss Goro, but he could definitely read any expression on Goro’s face, so Akira hugged him like he always did when Goro found the courage to voice his thoughts to him. The hug lasted for a much shorter amount of time than usual, since they were still sitting on a couch in Ikea as strangers they didn’t care about continued to walk by the two of them holding each other, but Goro sighed happily as he buried his head against Akira’s shoulder because it was still enough. 

Goro walked into Haru Okumura’s kitchen that felt surprisingly secluded from the party happening in the large condo living area attached to it. There was only one other person in the kitchen that Goro recognized as one of Akira’s friends from Inaba, and Goro almost scoffed thinking about the time Akira told him he was afraid he wouldn’t make any friends when he moved back home. 

Some of the _many_ new friends Akira made moved to Tokyo for college, and Goro felt selfish again for hoping that none of them moved here _for_ Akira. Goro tried to not think of Akira as _his,_ but sometimes he finds himself feeling possessive before snapping himself out of it and immediately thinking that he’s a terrible person and he’s just as selfish as he was before and _if I was actually getting better I wouldn’t be thinking like this._

Goro looked at the other person in the kitchen. He looked scrappy and scared, almost like fresh meat dangling before a predator, but he didn’t seem necessarily scared of Goro, it was more like a constant state of anxiety similar to a chihuahua. Goro wondered how much Akira had told his friends about him.

Probably a decent amount, because the other boy took a moment looking like he was considering something before looking decidedly less nervous and exclaiming, “Hey Goro!”

Goro squinted his eyes as he took in the boy who he had seen a few times in passing but never spoken to directly. This.. chihuahua kitchen boy who Goro could not for the life of him remember the name of was now reaching into Haru’s steel fridge that was probably worth more than both his and Akira’s combined annual incomes (Goro smiled at the thought involuntarily because combining their incomes made them almost sound like a _married couple_ ), and the boy pulled out a can and held it out to Goro, “Four Loko?”

“Don’t call me that,” Goro hissed as he took the can anyway and cracked it open before taking a single sip.

“Oh, my bad dude. That’s just what Akira and everyone else always calls you, so…” The boy trailed off, some of the stupid feathers of his _stupid_ burlesque headpiece that he clearly was uncomfortable in fell over his eyes as he tilted his head down. Goro really wished the ex-phantom thieves could have thrown a _single_ party without insisting on a theme. “What can I call you then?”

Goro almost doesn’t respond to him at all because he doesn’t really want this boy to refer to him in any way at all, but he reminds himself that Akira’s friends are important to him, and the Four Loko boy does seem nice, entertaining at the very least. Akira’s friends helped Akira just like Goro did, even though Goro can’t help but think they could show it better instead of constantly using him as a personal therapist, but then he has to stop yet another train of thought to remind himself that he didn’t have a perfect track record with Akira either, so maybe he should be more empathetic. 

_If therapists were to grade their clients,_ Goro thinks lamely, because the one Four Loko he did manage to finish was honestly dumbing him down somewhat and ruining his capability to come up with decent metaphors, _empathy would be my worst subject._

He takes in the sight of the other boy in the kitchen who was looking at him hopefully, all traces of fear gone despite Goro not being particularly polite to him. Goro couldn’t help but wonder how close Akira had gotten with his friends from his hometown. He tried not to feel too jealous as he thought that it would make sense if Akira wanted to experiment with his nice and attractive friends and it would make sense if he wanted to date one of them too. He quickly tried to conceal his feelings of envy starting to creep up on him by telling himself that he just wanted Akira to be happy, but Goro couldn’t help but feel like no one else understands Akira like he does and no one else deserves someone as good as him _no no no stop it._

Goro thought about Akira’s fragile eyes holding back tears and when those same eyes had briefly lost their spark that Goro was so desperate to get back. Akira had been a lot more happy lately, he was always smiling despite typical college stress and having to work most nights, his smile always reaching his eyes, and Goro would never get tired of the sight. Goro wonders what in particular has him so happy these past few months, and, because he still feels guilty for being possessive over Akira, Goro tells himself that as long as Akira stays happy, then he should be allowed to date anyone he wants. Goro would just deal with his jealousy the same way he’s had to deal with everything else.

Goro still can’t help but think that whoever Akira eventually ends up with, he really hopes it isn’t.. this boy.. who looked particularly wimpy and probably couldn’t handle Akira because Akira likes a challenge and this boy.. well. 

Really Goro shouldn’t be so hard on this boy because Goro didn’t know anything about this person. He wasn’t the hottest person Goro had ever seen, but he was cute enough that Goro could see the appeal. From what Goro had seen so far, he seemed bubbly in a way that Akira could be sometimes as well, but that’s all Goro knew about Four Loko boy. He could be similar to Goro or the exact opposite of Goro or have all the traits that Akira liked about Goro but not all the mental baggage to deal with it. Still, Goro couldn’t help but think that this boy didn’t seem like Akira’s type at all.

The kitchen boy in front of Goro was also holding his own can of Four Loko and _also_ had brown hair like Goro did. Though, this other boy’s hair had more of a tacky orange tint that made Goro assume he box-dyed it himself, and Goro was glad that when he cut his own hair it didn’t end up looking as choppy and poorly cut as this other boy’s did, and unlike Goro’s naturally voluminous hair that dare he say may even be considered picture perfect by some, this boy’s box-dyed hair that looked like he cut it with kitchen scissors – no, looked like he hashed his hair with a knife, was flat and covered with split ends. 

Goro’s haircut sometimes still surprised him when he looked in the mirror, even though he cut it nearly three years ago when he was still 18. Now Goro was 21, and Akira would tell Goro that he liked his hair and that he was more expressive these days and that he was really happy to see him like that. 

Sometimes Goro understood what he meant when he looked at himself in the mirror and saw a light in his eyes that wasn’t there before. He would run his hand through his hair and think that it looked nice, and he was happy that his hair had a natural volume, and he felt bad about trying to keep it perfectly straight before because the fluff of his light brown locks always reminded him of the loose curls his mom had, and he didn’t want to taint something so delicate. He figured it was foolish to think about that now considering he was grateful for the volume of his hair and the light brunette color making his hair look much better than this other boy with flat and badly trimmed hair. Goro also made a mental note to tell Akira that he’s also been more expressive lately. 

“..Akechi,” Goro eventually gave in, attempting a friendly smile even though it was frustratingly difficult to get himself to do so, but the least he could do was be somewhat civil with one of Akira’s friends who didn’t do anything wrong, “you can call me that.”

Goro would never _brag_ about his small social accomplishments to Akira, because that would be fucking embarrassing, but if he did ever happen to do that, he knew Akira would be proud of him. What wasn’t as embarrassing, however, was bragging about being social to his therapist, who would definitely be hearing about this later. 

Goro realized once that he could freely brag all he wanted to his therapist about his baby steps towards becoming a person again without being judged, even being _encouraged_ to brag, and really, it would be irresponsible of him to not use this outlet.

It was funny, how much he was able to tell his therapist nowadays. He even told her about his crush on Akira, though only briefly and saying something vague about how he feels guilty for wanting more from someone who already gave him so much, and she asked him if he thought there was a connection between that and the way he always felt guilty for wanting more from his mother as well. He figured then that it made sense that a lot of his current problems stemmed from his childhood problems that he never knew how to deal with. He also thought it was funny, the way therapists were kind of just skilled manipulators of the mind who made you think their suggestions were _your_ idea. He suddenly had a lot more respect for his therapist, because honestly, he thought it was kind of cool. 

He knew she was referring to when he first talked about his mom during his early months of therapy. That was after he visited his mom’s grave with Akira, when he was still getting used to opening up during his sessions with his therapist. 

He started off saying maybe three sentences per session at most, because even though he experienced his own natural change of heart that night on Shido’s ship and was determined to get _better,_ it was still awkward as fuck at first just staring at this woman he was supposed to tell everything to. His therapist usually ended up eating her lunch or crocheting to prevent herself from getting too bored. 

After one meeting, she offered him some snacks, and Goro thought about how Akira told him Maruki would offer him snacks after meeting with him, _then_ Goro remembered how Akira recently told him that he kept in contact with Maruki to play 8ball with him over text, and that made Goro _mad,_ but he didn’t really know why it made him so mad considering it was pretty harmless, and he couldn’t talk it out with Akira because Goro didn’t want him to feel bad about it, so he found himself spilling all that out to his therapist who asked him if he thought that he associated Maruki with all the other people who tried to control him throughout his life and that’s why he was so angry about it. 

At one therapy session, after Goro had just come back from spending a week with Akira who was visiting Tokyo during the summer, Goro explained to her that he was nervous about taking his college entrance exams. He would be finishing his third year of high school soon, which he had never finished at public school because of… everything. He took online classes to finish his last semester at the rehab center at his own pace, and at the end of summer he would be done with high school completely, and Akira was planning on visiting him to have a graduation party with just the two of them. 

His therapist asked him if he was excited to start college, which he honestly answered that he was, mostly because he would be able to see Akira again, and they would be starting in the same year, though he was genuinely excited to attend new classes and learn new things as well. She told him that college may be stressful at times, but she had dealt with her own stress in college by crocheting during lectures because it helped her pay attention. Goro wasn’t sure if he would be able to sit through a lecture without taking constant notes, but he surprised himself by asking her if she would teach him to crochet. He didn’t tell her, but he thought that maybe he could make a sweater for Akira to give him when he visited at the end of summer.

He tried crocheting. And he got mad when he failed. He got mad every time he looked at the amount of tiny sweaters building up in his room that were starting to mock him. His therapist took out her phone and showed him an adorable collection of all her crocheted clothes that were also too small and told him to just keep trying, learning new things takes time and no one is perfect at first. He went back to his room, and this time didn’t think that the tiny sweaters were mocking but actually.. kind of funny. So he piled them all up and took a picture to send to Akira with the caption _Look at all these stupid tiny sweaters I made._

Akira begged him to not throw them away so he could take them home and make Morgana wear them. Goro agreed only if he promised pictures. 

Now, with Morgana being Goro’s roommate as much as Akira was, Goro enjoyed the cat’s company when Akira wasn’t home. Goro figured that Akira had to force Morgana to wear the cat-sized sweaters against his will at first, but the cat let Goro dress him in the small sweaters that he continued to make because it was easy and simple and honestly cute to see Mona in the crocheted sweaters, and Morgana didn’t fuss anymore because he knew it made Goro happy. As much as Goro grew to genuinely like the cat he originally viewed as a pest, in his fantasies, Morgana would move in with one of the girls permanently when Goro and Akira eventually got married in the future, and they would get a normal cat and— _woah._ What was he thinking about again?

Oh, right, his therapist. After a few more months of practicing, Goro finally learned how to make his first human-sized sweater that he now planned to give to Akira when he visited him in his hometown on Halloween. The olive green sweater wasn’t _perfect,_ but Goro was trying to accept that not everything he did had to be perfect, and he knew Akira would appreciate it anyways. The sweater had an orange pumpkin crocheted into the sweater, and the whole thing would probably be too big on Akira, but it would be cute to see him in an oversized, lumpy holiday sweater. 

So that mental image alone is what carried Goro to the train station and all the way to Akira’s house in Inaba, which he got his address from asking Sae to ask Makoto for it because no way in hell was he ready to talk to the other thieves directly. Eventually he would be ready, but not yet.

Goro was about to knock on Akira’s door, crocheted sweater folded and perfectly wrapped in purple gift wrap decorated with stickers of black cats and a single orange bow tapped to the top (Goro hoped Akira would appreciate his effort of making the present look festive), when he realized that it’s _Halloween,_ and he hadn’t told Akira he was planning on visiting him because he wanted to surprise him, and it hadn’t even occurred to him that Akira might not even be home right now and might be out at a party with the friend group he was already starting to make.

The front porch light was off and there was no sign of anyone being home, but Goro just knocked on the door anyway, and if Akira wasn’t here then maybe he could call him until he picks up and tell him to _let me into your house asshole, it’s cold._ He would feel bad for dragging Akira away from his friends but not bad enough to freeze to death. 

He didn’t have to call Akira, thankfully, because he opened the door in his pajamas with a stuffy nose and red cheeks and his hair pushed back on his forehead from sweat. Goro could see Akira’s tired eyes extra clearly because Akira wasn’t wearing his glasses, and even though Akira was clearly sick and looked like he had been shaken around in a garbage disposal a few times, Goro just wanted to pull the beautiful boy in front of him into a tight hug and never let him go, so he smiled brightly at Akira to hopefully cheer up the sick boy and said _trick or treat._

Akira, who beamed in response despite looking completely exhausted, wrapped his arms around Goro to drag him to his room and didn’t let go even as they collapsed in Akira’s bed together to take a long nap. Goro finally gave him the wrapped sweater when they woke up, and Akira smiled so wide that Goro found himself feeling grateful for all the exhausting therapy he struggled through if it landed him in Akira’s warm bed with the even warmer boy smiling at him like that. Akira hurried to put the sweater on, squealing _I love it!_ as he pulled the neckline over his head, then immediately rushed to slam his body against Goro’s in another bone-crushing hug once he had the sweater on and told Goro he wished he could stay longer. Goro couldn’t remember anyone ever wanting him to stay before.

The following Halloween, all the ex-phantom thieves dressed as themselves, because they loved themed parties and they couldn’t resist having a _phantom thieves_ themed party for their first college Halloween party with Akira back in Tokyo. They had all shown up to Ann and Shiho’s apartment dressed in their best attempts at recreating their rebel outfits without the metaverse to automatically change their clothes for them. Goro, of course, had not dressed up, probably even wore the same outfit he was wearing this year with a different colored cardigan. Akira, though, did dress up, and Goro had realized a few months prior that he was in love with him, so he was able to finally admit to himself then that he always thought Akira looked _hot_ as Joker, and it was nice to have Akira’s attention on him that night as they got drunk together and eventually fell asleep on their couch together once they got home.

Goro briefly wondered if this Halloween would be the third year in a row that they ended up asleep in each other’s arms, but Akira wasn’t even _here_ yet. 

Or, at least Goro thought he wasn’t here, until the scrappy brown haired kid in the kitchen took a breath to tell Goro what his own name was and was interrupted by Goro suddenly spinning around on his heel to face the door the _instant_ he heard Akira’s laugh from the entryway, and he was already moving towards the direction of the sound before the flat-haired kitchen guy could say anything else. 

As Goro moved across Haru’s luxurious condo that felt like it stretched on for miles, he noticed that Akira was definitely not dressed in accordance with the theme and was talking to Ann who was calling him out on not being on theme. 

“It’s bad enough when the emo prince doesn’t dress up, I thought we could count on you, Akira!” He heard Ann nagging Akira about his lack of costume and caught her attention when he walked up to Akira to grab him by the arm, “Goro, there you are! _Ugh,_ you two look how you always look. What is this, a couple’s costume?”

Goro just ignored her and began tugging Akira by the elbow to the closest one of Haru’s _multiple_ balconies. Akira, however, did not ignore her and shouted, “Not true! I bought cat ears!” back at her while being dragged away, trying to put on one of the headbands he pulled out of his Morgana-less bag with one hand before handing the other pair of cat ears to Goro and mumbling _pretty kitty._ Goro simply put them on without a fuss because, well..

Because Akira was wearing the sweater that Goro had made him two years ago that was still too big on his frame despite the fact that Akira had put on muscle and had a growth spurt before college and was now four inches taller than Goro. If anyone asked, Goro would say that he hates that the younger boy took one of the few things Goro had on him in high school, but really, Goro thought it was cute how tall he was. He thought they would look great together, he wanted them to look hot together and have all of Akira’s myriad of friends be jealous of them and their _perfect_ and healthy relationship and wish they could communicate as well as Goro and Akira had learned how to. Goro thought they looked particularly cute together right now as Goro, dressed in one of his favorite grey cardigans, dragged his best friend clad in an oversized sweater with cat ears on both of their heads.

Goro pulled Akira towards the balcony and passed through the kitchen, where Akira almost fully stopped in his tracks to greet his friends that were addressing him. Goro briefly glanced in the direction of the two of Akira’s friends that were now in the kitchen, but he didn’t care enough about anything that wasn’t Akira to take his eyes off him long enough to discern any features of the other person who joined the kitchen boy. He did, however, look for just long enough that he could tell the two of them were standing too close to be friendly, and Goro probably didn’t have to be jealous of Akira’s chihuahua friend, _thank god._

“Yo, ‘Kira,” said a voice Goro didn’t recognize, so as he continued looking only at Akira he just figured it was coming from the voice of the new kitchen friend, “problems with the wife?”

Goro made a mental note to ask for their names later and actually pay attention this time, because despite the mostly innocent insult implying that he’s _naggy_ , his heart always manages to flutter at the idea of him and Akira being viewed as a couple. 

Akira, just laughed. A sweet, wonderful laugh that Goro will never get tired of, “You feel me.” 

Goro wondered what Akira thought about the two of them frequently being mistaken as a couple, and he hoped that at the very least he wasn’t repulsed by it. Goro hoped that if Akira ever found out he loved him, he wouldn’t sleep with him out of pity or something like that. Because even though Akira was getting a lot better at establishing boundaries to not be considered the _token therapist friend_ and dealing with his need to try to save everyone, Goro thought that Akira forcing himself to humor Goro’s emotions so he wouldn’t feel sad would be worse than rejection. Goro hoped that if Akira found out he loved him and didn’t want anything to do with him, he would tell him to fuck off so Goro could just deal with it. He hoped that Akira wouldn’t think that Goro might abandon him if he doesn’t force himself to reciprocate. 

He couldn’t help but wonder if there was a chance that Akira might actually love him back, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

Goro just pulled on Akira’s arm tighter because, “I want to be alone. Come on.” 

When they finally made it onto the balcony, Goro shut the door behind him to muffle the sounds of the playlist Futaba put together and turned to look at the other boy he was finally alone with. 

Goro had missed Akira, even though he was just at work for a few hours, and he thought about what it would be like to shrink Akira down and protect him in his pocket forever. He also felt grateful that Akira showed up at the perfect timing to prevent Goro from overthinking to the point of tears as he had thought about Akira so much that night trying to summon him to finally show up at this stupid party. He was also glad he was able to control himself and only had one drink tonight so he wasn’t vomiting all over Akira’s shoes right now or something equally embarrassing because that would be very much not sexy at all, and Goro admittedly wanted Akira to think he was sexy and cute and hot and all the things that Goro thought Akira was, and he wanted Akira to see him as someone who was attractive and not awkward and to take his virginity on a bed he covered in rose petals because Akira wanted their first time to be perfect and… _holy fuck. Fucking embarrassing._

Goro wondered sometimes if Akira has had sex before because that wasn’t something they talked about very much. The closest they had gotten to discussing it was one time when Akira awkwardly asked Goro if his antidepressants lowered his sex drive, but Goro honestly couldn’t remember the last time he craved something that wasn’t Akira, so he just told him that he had no desire for casual sex if that’s what he was asking. 

_Sucks, huh?_ Akira had said to him, and Goro wondered if he had casual sex. He figured it would make sense that Akira probably wasn’t a virgin like Goro was _still._ Akira was 20 now, and he was healthier so his eyes would shine brighter and his skin had almost a natural glow to it. Akira didn’t wear his glasses anymore, except for the actual prescription lenses he wears to see the board during class because he made himself nearsighted from squinting so much. Also Akira was _6’4_ now, and Goro had to force himself to not literally get weak in the knees from swooning so hard every time he had to look up slightly to meet Akira’s.. beautiful and dreamy eyes. 

Goro figured he probably wasn’t the only one swooning over Akira with all the friends he had because Akira was objectively hot to anyone with eyes, so sometimes Goro didn’t blame himself too much for wanting to _climb him._ And even though Goro didn’t know enough about his sex drive when he wasn’t on his antidepressants to confirm it, he wondered if it was his meds that were causing his fantasies of having sex with Akira to be so loving and passionate, and _that_ was what made Goro feel so guilty about it. He just wished Akira would want him back so he could stop feeling selfish.

Goro had to stop himself from sighing aloud, because he felt as though that thought in itself was selfish. He tried not to entertain the idea that Akira might possibly love him too, as that would just make everything harder for Goro once Akira eventually fell in love with someone else and Goro would have to _just deal with it_ , but sometimes he found himself daydreaming about the scenario anyway. He imagined Akira wanting to make everything perfect for Goro’s first time–which, he figured that Akira didn’t have internal debates with himself about whether or not Goro was still a virgin like Goro wondered about Akira, because it was probably extremely obvious that no one wanted to have sex with him–except Akira in this fantasy who would want to make an effort for Goro’s first time to be perfect.

If Akira wasn’t a virgin, Goro imagined he would guide him and be patient through Goro’s awkwardness, and he would tell Goro he never felt like this about anyone else, and it would feel like Akira’s first time too because they would make love and forget about everything that wasn’t each other. If Akira did happen to be a virgin, Goro figured he would still try to take the lead and they would laugh at their own awkwardness and inexperience but never feel nervous about it because they just felt _safe,_ then blah blah blah the whole making love thing that Goro would actually full-body cringe at if he had to think that same sentence twice because his neediness was really getting embarrassing. 

And though Goro was a virgin, he wasn’t some blushing prude, Akira is _hot,_ and Goro really can’t be blamed for also wanting to have hot and rough sex with him. Akira would probably call him eager because he wanted to try every position with him and to hear all the types of sounds Akira would make.

Goro figures that whatever type of sex he had with Akira, he would probably cry afterwards, but Akira would hold him and tell him that it’s okay to cry as he looked into his eyes…

Akira would look at him with tenderness just as he was doing now on this balcony at Haru’s party and Goro realizes he should stop thinking about having sex with him now.

“Three years in a row that you’ve dressed as…” Akira took in Goro’s lack of costume. Goro couldn’t remember what specific outfits he wore at the past two Halloweens they had spent together. Goro figured he probably wore one of his countless cardigans in various colors of the same style that he liked to wear during Autumn as he sipped a seasonal drink from Frostbucks that Akira wondered how he could stand despite the fact that Goro worked at the hellhole that was Frostbucks and agreed with Akira that their coffee is usually low quality during all _other_ times of the year. Goro wondered if Akira could remember which color cardigans he wore the past two years or if he kept the pictures of them he insisted on taking.

“... a nerd?” Akira eventually finishes, lifting a hand that was almost fully covered by the oversized sweater to sweep some of his hair out of his eyes. Goro watched the movement and tried to keep his focus on Akira’s cat ear headband that was almost _painfully cute_ in an attempt to not lose himself in Akira’s eyes.

“I’m wearing your pants so… how does that factor into the _nerd costume?_ ” 

Akira ignored Goro’s sad attempt at a retort of just saying _no you_ and laughed as he pointed at Goro’s feet, “I think those are my shoes, too.”

Goro had to look down at where Akira’s finger was pointing to see for himself that, yes, he was wearing Akira’s shoes. He was wearing Akira’s black jeans and Akira’s black doc martens because he thought it would look nice while still being comfortable, but right now Goro wanted nothing more than to change into his sweats and climb into bed.

“Oh.” 

So Goro lowered himself onto the ground to untie the laces of the boots, and Akira just watched him with his brows furrowed as he wondered what Goro was thinking because at this point he knew that Goro didn’t care less about the two of them sharing clothes. Akira knew that Goro had a habit of taking Akira’s clothes on purpose, and Akira was fine with it because he liked seeing Goro forget about the hesitance he usually had when he was shown affection and given things.

Goro had gotten a lot better at accepting care, so Akira didn’t know why he was untying his shoes to give back to him as if Akira pointing out that Goro took his shoes without realizing had caused him to spiral back into his old ways of pushing love out of his life. 

But when Goro came back up and set the shoes along with the Four Loko that Akira’s original kitchen friend had given him onto one of Haru’s tea tables, he just laughed, something airy and lighthearted at Akira’s puzzled look on his face trying to figure out his motives, “What? They’re just not as comfortable as I thought they would be. And they’re heavy, I feel like I’m walking around with weights on my legs.” 

Goro let himself think for a minute about how the combat boots probably didn’t feel as heavy to Akira because he had been going to the gym on campus a lot more frequently this semester, and Goro just wanted to let himself fall into the crocheted material of Akira’s sweater so he could be held until he forgot who he was and the only thing on his mind was that Akira was the perfect combination of soft and firm.

Akira could probably tell instantly that Goro was telling the truth and didn’t need an emergency therapy session as soon as he got a better look at Goro’s expression once he was standing again because all traces of worry left his face as he laughed and said, “You’re short.”

Goro squinted his eyes ~~upwards~~ at him because even though he wasn’t _jealous_ of Akira’s height (the opposite actually, he _loved_ his height because it was just another thing that made Akira objectively hot and it made Goro feel dainty and cute in comparison and he really wanted Akira to lift him bridal style), and even though removing the shoes took another inch off his height, he still wouldn’t consider himself _short,_ “I’m 6 feet…”

“You’re 5’11.”

 _Fuck,_ Goro had forgotten that Akira had been with him last time he got his vitals checked because he freaked out over having to get blood drawn, which he was usually fine with and was used to having to calm Akira down over anything involving needles. But for some reason Goro had a panic attack over a blood test, and even though Akira had managed to calm him down, he still insisted on coming for emotional support and just in case Goro got lightheaded after his blood test and fainted or something worse. Goro had appreciated it until Akira laughed at finding out that Goro didn’t actually reach the 6’0 mark like he thought he had, and he just huffed when Akira laughed even more after Goro said he must have been slouching without realizing he was when they measured his height. 

So Goro was still staring at Akira’s stupid smiling face and his eyes that were, fine, _five_ inches above him, and he decided to change the subject, “How was work?”

“Worse than I thought it would be,” Akira sighed as he let his smile drop for a moment, and Goro thought it wasn’t fair that Akira was the only one of their friends who ended up unlucky enough to have to work that night, “But it’s over now, and I made serious bank tonight so you better up your Christmas shopping game this year and mentally prepare yourself to be showered in gifts because my favorite roommate is getting spoiled this year.” Akira’s smile was back on his face as he poked Goro’s cheek to confirm that his favorite roommate was, in fact, him and not Morgana, and Goro wondered when they had ended up standing so close to each other.

Goro must have been lost in thought as he was thinking of gifts that could possibly show Akira how much he meant to Goro and how much Goro _appreciated, adored, cared for, loved_ Akira, that Akira, who could always tell what he was thinking, offered, “You could make me another sweater, Goro. Oh, you could even make us matching sweaters if you find the time. Not to ruin the surprise, but Sumire’s Christmas party is going to be ugly sweater themed and you’d look totally cute in one of– Oh! Fuck, wait, I’m not saying that the sweaters are.. I’m not saying they’re ugly sweaters. I-I love the sweater you gave me, seriously! And Mona loves his sweaters, too.. Goro… Goro, say something.. you’re torturing me here.”

Goro just snorted because obviously he knew what Akira meant and didn’t interpret it as Akira calling the sweaters ugly, and Akira obviously knew that he knew that, “Why didn’t you buy a costume?”

Akira just shrugged, “I was going to, but I didn’t like the theme.”

Goro wondered why, because Akira always jumped at the chance to be dramatic and probably would have thought it would be hilarious to buy an over the top burlesque outfit, and even though Akira loved parties, he never tried to force Goro to dress up. Which was nice because even if Goro had the best therapy in the world, he would not show up to an ex-phantom thieves party in a costume of any sort. The cat ears were the one exception.

Goro was already starting to worry that something must be wrong if Akira didn’t want to dress up for Halloween, and that was terrifying because Akira had been doing so well lately and Akira being happy made Goro happy and he really didn’t want to see Akira be sad again.

“Hey,” Akira must have noticed that Goro was already starting to overthink things because he stepped even closer to Goro to place a delicate hand on his cheek and lifted his face to look into Akira’s eyes, “It’s nothing like that.”

Goro was always amazed by how Akira could tell what he was thinking. He felt his heart hammering against his chest and hoped Akira couldn’t tell that Goro was suddenly thinking about how if he leaned in a little bit they could kiss each other and Goro wondered if Akira would agree to kiss him if he just asked–

“Seriously,” Akira interrupted Goro’s rapid thoughts once again, to which Goro couldn’t help but think he could’ve also interrupted his overthinking by kissing him, “When Haru texted everyone to think of theme ideas for the Halloween party, I couldn’t care less about what they decided on.”

And Goro very much understood that feeling, so they both laughed before Akira kept talking, “Each year when Autumn rolls around I always think about… when you visited me on Halloween. You remember that, right?”

Goro just nodded and resisted the urge to roll his eyes because _no fucking shit I remember that._

“No one else visited me at home. I mean, they offered but I always refused because I thought it would be too much of a hassle for them, so I never blamed them for not being able to read between the lines when I was being difficult because they were just respecting my wishes. Or what they thought my wishes were…” Akira started to trail off as he tried to make sense of his thoughts, and Goro, for some frustrating reason, couldn’t tell what he was thinking for once, so he lifted his own hand over Akira’s hand that was still on Goro’s cheek to encourage him to keep talking.

Goro thought about all the times he had to rest his hand on Akira’s wrist to feel his pulse and calm himself down. Akira had to do the same thing to him a lot, too. 

Goro looked into Akira’s stormy eyes that were so close to his, and he started to try to make sense of the expression on his face. Akira was looking at him in a way that he only looked at Goro, but that didn’t help him decipher what the other boy could possibly be thinking because there were a lot different looks that Akira saved specifically for Goro.

But this look.. Goro would feel so envious if Akira looked at anyone else this way, and he found himself hoping that Akira didn’t secretly exchange these types of looks with someone that Goro didn’t know about.

There were a few things he could sense in Akira’s eyes, so Goro decided to start there. He could see fondness and _trust,_ and Goro would probably start crying if he thought about the journey that brought him and Akira to have so much trust in each other.

Old Goro trusted Old Akira as far as he could throw him, which is funny to think about because Current Goro trusted him more than anything but could probably throw him an even shorter distance. And despite never giving up on trying to save him, Old Akira had trusted Old Goro even less.

What Goro’s learned in therapy, is that things get surprisingly easier with the more effort you put in. At first, the only thing that had encouraged him to make an effort in an attempt to recover in the first place was his own change of heart in the engine room of Shido’s palace. 

Goro remembered trying to explain to Akira how he felt when he woke up after being so certain that he died. At first he had tried to convince himself that it was a punishment, that death was too easy because it had been what he wanted for so long, and he had been so fatigued and miserable from having to merely continue to exist every day. He justified murder by telling himself that he would get what was coming to him in the end, just like Shido would, he would put a bullet in his head and not have to face the consequences of suffocating himself in guilt and self-disgust.

Goro told Akira that he eventually stopped trying to justify the murders entirely because he knew that they were irredeemable, but he didn’t care because he didn’t care about anything except for avenging his mother and the revenge that clouded his mind. He told Akira that he was able to understand why Akira tore himself apart over not being able to save Goro, because he felt the same way as a child watching the light leave his mother’s eyes until the point of no return.

Goro figured his mother must have already been at the point of no return when she gave birth to him the same way Goro had already been there himself when he met Akira. He tried to stop blaming himself for not being able to save his mother in time and for ruining her life further, but it was still too difficult, even now. He didn’t want Akira to feel guilty for not being able to save Goro from himself because he was already too far gone to be saved, so why couldn’t he apply the same logic to how he felt about his mom? _why why why why why..._

Goro’s been trying to stop blaming himself for things he couldn’t control, but when he imagined a woman who was cruelly abused by the world being suddenly left with a child she didn’t want, he couldn’t help but feel like nothing but a burden.

When Goro visited his mother’s grave alone, he thought about how different yet similar they had been when they were both too engulfed in their emptiness to bring themselves to care about anything. He thinks it wasn’t fair that she had to sell her body to disgusting men just to survive, it wasn’t fair that she had the misfortune of meeting Shido and getting stuck with his child, and it isn’t fair that Goro miraculously got a second chance when she didn’t.

He thought about how much he once believed that he deserved to die, how he thought he wanted to die because it was easier than having to deal with the consequences of his actions, and he thought about nearly dying on the cold floor of Shido’s ship, and how the phantom thieves’ genuine kindness and understanding of his true self that he was so disgusted by was enough to make him want to keep living for the first time in his life. 

He wondered if his mom would have thought the same thing if someone had shown her a similar kindness and understanding. He wishes he could tell her that although recovery was difficult and ugly and strenuous at times, it had never ended up being quite as hard as he originally thought it would be back when he thought death was his only option.

He wishes that she could have recovered. He wishes that she hadn’t seen death as her only option.

He knew she had the strength in her to get better if she had more support to encourage her through it. Some of his favorite memories as a child was when she would take him to relax and bathe in the rehab center and he got to watch the light in her eyes recharge. He would see how strong she could be and find himself hoping that she might finally be getting better. He wished it would have stayed permanently. 

There came a time when nothing was able to bring the light back to her eyes. Occasionally she couldn’t even find the strength to use her voice for weeks at a time, and Goro would be terrified and cry hysterically in her arms while he screamed at her to talk to him because she would look so weak, almost dead, but despite her eyes being void of any sign of emotion, she was still patient with him. She would silently run a fragile and shaky hand through his hair to calm him down, and that gesture spoke all the words that she couldn’t find the strength to actually say with her voice. He wondered if he got his love for silent but impactful gestures from her.

He considered later, as he stared at her grave alone, that she had been stronger than he ever was. When she was at her own point of no return, she still found the strength to be patient with a child that she had never really wanted and whose presence reminded her of the worst moments of her life but she still somehow managed to love. He imagined a world that was more fair, where his mother could have been happy when she gave birth to him, if she had a man who loved her unconditionally and treated her like she deserved, if she had a stable financial situation and didn’t have to constantly put her life on the line for their survival, if his mother had been happy, would she have wanted him then? 

He thinks about all the times that he had wanted to ask her if she would be his friend if they were the same age.

He was halfway through asking this same question to his mother’s grave when he realized how _ridiculous_ that question was. Goro remembers the good times, and though they didn’t happen very often, he remembers his mother being genuinely happy spending time with him, all her troubles washed away and the light in her eyes returned. He remembers when she would watch Featherman with him and listen to him talk excitedly about the characters and explain all the story arcs, and she looked at him like she truly cared about what he was saying when even the kids he went to school with didn’t care about what he said. He remembers some of his birthdays where she would make him a single cupcake for them to share before she got tired and fell asleep with him in a cocoon on the couch. 

Goro thinks about the last thing she ever said to him, which was about a month before she killed herself and probably the last thing she ever said in general. He remembers arriving home from school and seeing her asleep on the floor in front of the couch as though she didn’t have the energy to actually make it to the couch. He wanted to make dinner for the two of them but he didn’t even know how to fry an egg (they hadn’t even been able to afford eggs the last time his mother had been strong enough to go shopping anyway), so he waited for his mom to eventually wake up and poured two bowls of dry cereal for them that they ate on the floor together in silence. He hadn’t even realized it was his 8th birthday until his mother conjured the strength to tell him happy birthday and put a soft smile on her face.

He thought about his mother, who still tried despite her circumstances. He thought about Akira’s parents, who never tried.

Goro realized that it was pointless to ask his mother’s grave if she would have been friends with him, not only because she couldn’t respond to him, but also because he realized that _of course_ she would have been friends with him. During his own worst days, when all that Goro had been living for was to avenge his mother, Goro used to think more about the misery and suffering his mother experienced to further fuel his revenge plan and keep himself going. Goro focused on avenging her rage and despair and her death so much that he forgot the rare good times they had. The good times he forced himself to forget about because he didn’t think he deserved good times and thought that craving happiness like that was childish and weak and made him vulnerable.

He didn’t feel like that anymore. Goro really _really_ wants to be happy. He wonders if his mom would be friends with him as he is now.

Goro had inherited his mother’s tendency to fall weak to emotional numbness. He also inherited his father’s tendency to be an evil piece of shit, so during Goro’s own point of no return, he thought he was without a doubt a much worse person than his mother had been, and it wasn’t fair that Goro wasn’t dead and she was.

Goro wondered if she would be proud of him, but even though he had managed to come so far, he didn’t think anyone could be proud of someone who once did the things he did. When Goro tells this to Akira, he tells him he’s proud of Goro.

Goro thinks a lot of things aren’t fair, but he definitely thinks it isn’t fair that Akira had the misfortune of having his life ruined by Shido as well. It wasn’t _fair_ that Akira had run into Goro’s disgusting father in his hometown purely by terrible luck and didn’t run into Goro himself by chance until much later.

When Goro first tried getting Akira to open up about his experience with Shido, Akira had just said he was grateful it happened because he wouldn’t have met the other thieves if he hadn’t. Goro told him to cut the bullshit and to never **ever** say he’s grateful for Shido even if it’s clearly a falsity to get out of talking about his real feelings.

So, Akira talked to him about Shido.. hesitantly. He told Goro about how scared he was dealing with the police system and that the only reason he didn’t cry in the courtroom was because his lawyer told him that if he doesn’t make this easy for the jurors, then they won’t make it easy for him. Goro thinks that’s one of the reasons why Akira always tries to shield his emotions behind fake bravery. 

Akira spoke each sentence slowly as he carefully rearranged the words in his head. He told Goro that the only time he experienced any trauma as bad as what he experienced after Shido had him charged for assault was when he was in the interrogation room.

If this was Old Goro, then maybe he would have thrown up or cried or lashed out or just gotten up and left without another word merely from the mention of the occurrence, and even though some part of current Goro still wanted to be weak and do all of those things, when Akira asked him if he was okay with talking about this, he let out a shaky breath told him that he was. 

Even though this was something that the two of them dreaded talking about the most, Goro had learned a few things in therapy at this point. Talking about feelings was never _easy,_ but it was usually never as bad as Goro expected it to be beforehand. He would build up so much anxiety just thinking about having certain discussions, that when the time came to open up, it would all somehow just easily flow out. Once he made the first attempt to talk about a certain topic, it became easier to talk about it again in the future. It was as if once he loosened the nozzle of a hose to the thoughts in his brain, he couldn’t get it to stop. Even though he would never call recovery _easy,_ he thought it at least became somewhat easier once the hardest part was dealt with: the beginning.

So the two of them began talking about the interrogation room and what each of them felt before and after and during. It was one of the harder topics Goro had started talking about, but they had _started,_ so it got a little bit easier. A little bit.

Akira was still scared of needles, very much so. He would have dissociative episodes before having to get vaccines or blood tests or even at completely random times when something would remind him of that night, and he would be sent into a state of shock with vacant eyes as though his mind had fully convinced him that he was back in the interrogation room surrounded by Shido’s men.

Goro would try his best to comfort him, but he worried the same way he did as a child when he would try to comfort his mother, that his presence was just making things worse. He would try his best not to panic every time he saw Akira’s eyes dull, tried to be strong for him and help him through this because he remembered what happened after the light in his mother’s eyes disappeared and never came back, and he was determined to never let that happen to Akira.

Goro didn’t fully understand why Akira would always tell him to stop apologizing or why Akira would be so concerned for Goro when he would start spiraling into an overwhelming sea of guilt that consumed him, because Goro didn’t deserve his concern or his forgiveness when it was Goro who tried to kill him and conspired with the same people who traumatized Akira and ruined his life in the first place.

But Akira was better at comforting people than Goro was. Akira would just hold him while he cried and run his hands through his hair, and Goro felt sick that someone so loving and gentle had to experience such terrible things. 

Akira would remind him that he’s personally had to deal with Shido himself, he knew how powerful Shido was, what he was capable of, how easy it was for him to get away with anything he could possibly want. It was Shido who ruined Akira’s life, one of many lives that have been ruined by the _repulsive motherfucker,_ and Akira had never stopped being angry about the things that Shido did to the two of them, the same level of anger that Goro had himself that made him want to kill Shido in the first place.

It would make sense that Akira’s anger at Shido for what he did to him would make it easier for Akira to be more angry at Shido than at Goro for the instances that followed. Especially since Akira never even saw Goro that night, all he saw was Shido’s men who captured him and Shido’s men who drugged him and Shido who wanted him dead, who would have hired one of his other men to pull the trigger if Goro hadn’t. 

Akira told Goro that him almost dying in Shido’s palace to save the phantom thieves also helped make up for a lot of the stupid things that Goro had done. 

When Akira thought Goro had died, Akira just wished he could have somehow saved Goro from Shido, _that man,_ that vile disgusting man that Akira had viewed as the most evil of all beings since he had the misfortune of running into him. Akira knew how terrible he was firsthand, how easily he could have manipulated someone as young as Goro had been, and though Goro never wanted Akira to view him as blameless, the entire situation was more nuanced than Goro would tend to admit to himself. 

And of course Goro also knew firsthand how terrible Shido was, so he figured he didn’t really have a right to try to redirect Akira’s anger away from Shido and towards himself instead. Goro could admit that Akira had good reason to be mad at Shido for traumatizing him twice, and that’s probably the closest that Goro will get to forgiving himself, understanding why Akira was more angry at Shido than him.

Goro had seen Akira’s mugshot, how scared he looked, wondered if Akira had looked just as scared in the interrogation room. Goro might have had a similar scared look in his eyes when he first got involved with Shido, but he had already grown used to how scary and lonely the real world could be during his days in the orphanage. He quickly adjusted to his life being a series of constant despair and expected indifference regarding his livelihood and the general cruelty of those with power.

When he pictured how scared Akira had looked in his mugshot, he thought about how it was Shido that ripped away all of Akira’s optimism and turned him into someone who also learned to expect bad things to happen to him. He sometimes wondered if Akira viewed Shido as the one who ruined Goro’s life, unlike Goro who blamed himself entirely for how his life turned out.

Goro remembered telling Akira that at one point he must have felt a similar strength his mom had when she was able to look at him through cold, emotionless eyes and pull herself back to the surface for a second to smile at him and tell him happy birthday. When he had been aimlessly walking around Yongen-Jaya a week before he would have to shoot Akira, he had a moment where he felt hesitant about completing a job for the first time since he began working for Shido. 

But he did it anyway, it was too late for him to see any other options for himself, and he thought that at the very least if he was the one who took down the phantom thieves then maybe people will want him around. He was so emotionally numb at the time, even his rage was starting to dull, so empty and the most detached from his true self that he had ever been. When he shot Akira’s cognition, he suddenly felt overwhelmed with self-disgust to the most powerful degree, and after not feeling anything for so long it was so intense that he still felt disgusted with himself even after all this time.

He figured his mom must have been stronger than him. She was able to find the strength to show him love despite the fact that she felt as though she was practically rotting away. Goro wasn’t even able to get himself to not shoot the only person who ever wanted him around.

Akira asked him if he considered his current self to be his true self, and Goro had to think about it for a moment before honestly telling him that he did. Akira then asked Goro what he would do if he knew what he knew now, and Goro thought that the right answer probably should have been to not kill anyone at all, but he was honest and told Akira that he would shoot Shido without thinking about it, even if Shido’s endless list of accomplices tortured him in prison for the rest of his life because of it.

Maybe honesty was the actual correct answer, because Akira just laughed and said he would too. 

Akira told Goro that he understood his bloodlust and desire to kill, that he would sometimes feel scared of himself in the metaverse because of how much he enjoyed killing shadows, and Goro told him that no one understands that feeling better than he does, and they both laughed for a minute because _obviously._ They let themselves laugh because even though it was a difficult conversation, one of the most difficult things they’ve had to talk about, they knew it would be easier on the other end of it. 

There were other difficult conversations, but Goro was determined to make amends and actually get better. During the summer before starting college, Goro told Akira that he wanted the rest of the phantom thieves to know how grateful he had been for their kindness, but he didn’t even know where to even begin with trying to make amends with some of them, and Akira reminded him that Goro told him that once he found a place to start, things got easier. So Akira told him he could practice what he would say to them with him until he found his starting point, and Goro appreciated Akira trying to do bad impressions of the ex-phantom thieves to make him laugh and keep it lighthearted. 

Goro panicked the most before reaching out to Haru and Futaba until he remembered how kind they had been to him during his worst moments, showing understanding towards someone who killed their parents just because they could see themselves in him. It wasn’t just the kindness they showed _him_ that made him wonder what could be so bad about staying alive, it was the same kindness he wished more than anything that someone had shown his mother. It was a kindness he didn’t think he could ever have in himself back when he still saw himself as a revolting combination of his mother’s emptiness and his father’s evilness before he finally began getting to know himself as his own person.

Goro wonders if the ex-phantom thieves could help him raise his hypothetical therapy grade in empathy. He figures the least he owes them is an apology. 

When Akira helped him practice what he would say to Ryuji, Goro told Akira he admired that Ryuji was able to overcome his rough situation with his father and that he could see the appeal people saw in him the same way some people had an affection for three-legged dogs. When Goro told this to real Ryuji after Akira gave him some tips to sound more friendly ( _just call him a puppy, he’ll know what you mean_ ), Ryuji then told Goro that he admired when he kept his stance on the phantom thieves despite it leading to him being unpopular for awhile, and Ryuji even admitted that he sometimes worried that his own need for popularity is what led to the phantom thieves’ downfall and felt a similar guilt over it the same way he felt when the track team split up. 

Goro told him that _he_ was the reason for the phantom thieves’ downfall so Ryuji should have no reason to feel guilty. Ryuji told him he blamed Shido more for putting Goro up to that stuff, and when Goro told him he was owning up to his past actions, Ryuji told him he still shouldn’t place the entire blame on himself. Goro then gave Ryuji the same advice to apply to his own guilt, and he figured that went pretty well. 

When Akira helped him practice what he would say to Ann, Goro told Akira he admired her stance that there were fates worse than death, and after living solely to see the day his father finally died for so long, he could admit that it changed his perspective in a way that reminded him of how Akira was constantly changing Goro’s perspective on things, which is basically one of the greatest compliments anyone could ever receive. When he told this to Ann, he confessed that he originally thought being dragged out of Shido’s palace by whatever saved him was a punishment for Goro who had craved for his own death as much as his father’s death some days until he recently began feeling sort of, kind of.. happy to be alive. Ann told him she was super duper happy he was alive as she pulled him through Shibuya to get crepes. 

When Akira helped him practice what he would say to Yusuke, Goro told Akira that he could picture himself having a strong bond with someone who had been in a situation so similar to Goro’s own, someone who could put himself in Goro’s shoes so naturally. When he told this to Yusuke, Goro also admitted to him that he admired Yusuke’s vast knowledge and hoped they could have intriguing conversations in the future. Yusuke told Goro that he personally thought Goro’s shoes were too dull for him to wear himself but also that Goro had a beautiful soul he could tell was becoming _”less tortured”_ by the day.

When Akira helped him practice what he would say to Makoto, Goro told Akira that he had a strong respect for her and her intelligence, and while he appreciated that she also had a strong respect for him, the two of them still didn’t necessarily like each other very much. He wouldn’t call it anything as strong as hatred, but he and Makoto were too similar in some aspects and yet too different in other aspects that it made their personalities clash, the complete opposite of how Goro and Akira’s similarities and differences complimented the other’s. Still, Goro wanted their mutual respect to persist, so he invited Makoto to join him to study while he wrote his essay at the library. 

They worked in complete silence, not even offering the other a greeting, but Goro could tell Makoto appreciated him taking the high road and reaching out to her in a way that worked for the both of them. Afterwards, they went to pick up dinner to take home to their separate apartments, and Makoto surprisingly told him while they were waiting for their food that she was always jealous of his relationship with Sae and that she wished she could be closer with her sister.

Goro told her that he could see a lot of the same traits he admired in Sae in Makoto as well, and he admitted that Sae reminded him of his mom sometimes in the way that she acted as a mentor and took him under his wing. Then he apologized for saying that because he didn’t want it to sound like he was rubbing their closeness in her face or anything, but Makoto told him she knew he didn’t mean it like that and that she also viewed Sae as more of a mother figure in her life than a sister considering how Sae had to practically raise her alone. 

Goro told her that she should tell Sae that she wanted to be closer with her before it was too late, and Makoto understood the impact of his words. He even told her the name of what he knew was Sae’s favorite bar she could take her to before they took their food on their separate ways with an agreement to _never_ voice to Sae that they both saw her as motherly.

When Akira helped him practice what he would say to Futaba, Goro told Akira that he was terrified. He thought that Futaba had every right to not accept his apology and to hold a grudge, and if she told him she never wanted to see him ever again, he would understand. He would understand any feelings of anger and resentment she felt towards him because he experienced the same thing when his mother died. 

When his mother killed herself, he didn’t have any direct killer to point his finger at, and though he blamed Shido for ruining her life in the first place, he eventually directed all his anger at himself. He knew Futaba had originally pointed her emotions at herself as well before she was able to stand up to the cognitive version of Wakaba in her palace. He wouldn’t blame her for directing those hateful emotions toward him now that she knew the truth.

He told Akira that although he would accept Futaba’s wishes if she resented him over this, he couldn’t help but feel disappointed at the thought of Futaba not wanting him around in her life at all because he honestly always enjoyed Futaba’s company and wished the two of them could have been friends somehow. The childlike wonder he always saw in her eyes reminded him of when he would watch Featherman with his mom, when they would both dance and laugh gleefully and he thought maybe she was starting to get better. 

His own childlike wonder died with his mother. Goro had felt like a part of his heart shriveled up and died and rotted away with her corpse. He forced himself to grow up too fast when he would get beat up by the older kids at the orphanage for getting in their way and when he would be told to shut up when he would cry himself to sleep over missing his mom. He told Akira that he thought Futaba was stronger than him for being able to not lose that part of herself when her own mother died. 

He dreaded this conversation with her because he secretly hoped there might be a chance that he could be friends with her now that he was slowly getting better and learning new things about himself and was able to finally just be a teenage boy for the first time in his life. He had always been interested in the idea of playing video games that he could never afford as a child and thought it might be fun to try it if Futaba didn’t scream at him the moment she saw him. He also found Futaba’s sarcastic sense of humor to be a delight to his own mean sense of humor.

When he met up with Futaba at Leblanc and tried to tell her all this, she just sat him down in a booth and told him not to speak as she stared at him for a moment as though she was somehow hacking into his brain to analyze all his thoughts.

“A couple things,” Futaba started as she took a deep breath, “because I don’t want to hear all the touchy-feely stuff again, but you need to hear some of this. First thing: I appreciate you thinking that I’m strong, but you really can’t compare our two situations. I mean, not saying we can’t relate to each other, because we can in a lot of ways and it sucks, but I’m saying that I had a magical change of heart in a supernatural world to deal with all the shitty and sucky feelings I felt when I blamed myself for my mom’s death, and I’m not gonna suddenly point the blame at you now because I don’t have shitty and sucky feelings anymore. Well, I do, but like, the regular shitty and sucky feelings that come with the zoomer lifestyle. 

“ _You,_ however did not have a magical change of heart, you just had a redemption arc all by yourself because _we_ were nice to you, and you kind of cried like a bitch at us, but it was nice that you cried like a bitch at us because we all saw the whiny bitch part of ourselves in it. So when I said not to compare yourself to me, I meant don’t be too hard on yourself by thinking you’re somehow weaker than me because you have to deal with your emotions through _therapy_ and not through supernatural means. 

“Second thing,” Futaba continued, and Goro just blinked because he hadn’t realized that was all one thing, “your first mistake was assuming that I would let Akira live anywhere without having his apartment bugged. Especially when he’s living with you. I still have your phone bugged too from that time we outsmarted you.”

“What?” Goro asked incredulously, feeling his eyes practically pop out of his head, “It’s been nearly two years and.. _How?!_ I’ve gone through _three_ phones since then, a-and I wasn’t even living near—”

“You’re the one who’s supposed to be begging for my forgiveness here, detective boy,” Futaba cut off his dismayed questioning, “Anyway, while I appreciate all the things you said to Akira about me when you guys were roleplaying or whatever–”

“–we weren’t–”

“–just don’t worry too much about what we all think about you. We were nice to you when you were crying and screaming at us in Shido’s palace because we actually care about you, dude. And then you like, sacrificed yourself for us and everything which was nice. We all think it’s super cool that you’re really putting in an effort to make amends and become a better person and shit, seriously. Props to you on how far you’ve come, Akechi. So stop worrying so much,” Futaba smiled at him and he stared at her for a moment as he took in the things she had said, and he eventually offered a small, genuine smile in return despite feeling completely baffled.

“Third thing: some of your Google searches… really weird stuff man. There’s no reason for you to search _how to deal with your crush on your best friend/roommate when you’re an ex murderer_ as if there’s a subreddit specifically for ex murderers. Someone that’s not me will hack you one day and think you’d be a fascinating target to those looking for a challenge. Jesus Christ, incognito mode at the very least, dude. Fourth thing: why don’t you have AdBlock on your laptop, Akechi? Are you insane?” 

Goro, who was somewhat overwhelmed from how fast so many words could come out of such a tiny person, found himself laughing at the fact that _of course_ the thing Futaba would call him insane for is not having AdBlock on his laptop, and Goro kept laughing because he could feel the beginning of a possible friendship blooming between them, “You can call me Goro.”

He didn’t tell her right away that he didn’t let anyone else who wasn’t Akira call him that. He thought it could be something he might be able to tell her in the future, and he was glad that he found a place to start with Futaba, because things always got easier once he found a beginning. He would later tell Futaba what he had only ever told Akira, that _Goro_ felt soft and child-like to him, a part of him that died with his mother. _Akechi_ was easier because it wasn’t soft, it was sharp and quick and it was his _mother’s name_ , not his.

Even though he knew that _Goro_ was the name his mother picked for him, he didn’t feel like he deserved to have anything of his own. It was easier to live as a shadow of his parents’ worst traits and a vessel for his mother’s revenge and despair than to live as himself. 

“Cool, that brings me to the fifth and final thing: wanna play Featherman with me, Goro?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Akira helped him practice what he would say to Haru, he didn’t. Goro told him that with this one he wanted nothing more than to be weak and try to force himself to not care if Haru resented him for the rest of her life because attempting to somehow make amends with her would be too difficult. 

The problem was that he _did_ care, and he knew that wallowing in his own guilt was pathetic and wouldn’t get him anywhere, it might even make things worse. He thought about when Haru told him she may not ever be able to bring herself to forgive him, which he could live with, but she still told him that despite that, she understood him and his motives, and Goro could tell from the look in her eyes that she truly meant it. So he told Akira that because of Haru’s capability to empathize with someone she should despise, he would eventually try to reach out to her, but he still needed some time, and Akira told him it’s perfectly fine to not rush things.

When he eventually did call Haru to arrange a time to meet with her, she outright told him that she thought it was nice that he was being the bigger man in this situation because, while she did eventually want to have this discussion with him, she knew it would be a difficult conversation and that she, just as Goro had felt, wanted to be weak about it and run away from her problems. 

He met her at her condo, and she probably thought there was no point in making this conversation last longer than it needed to be because after she sat Goro down in an expensive loveseat with a glass of water for the both of them, she wasted no time beginning her monologue that she probably had a lot of time to think about.

“Akira talks to us a lot,” She began, taking a deep breath as Goro was halfway through a train of thought about how the loveseat kind of reminded him of the one at his therapist’s office, “and it’s wonderful how much better he’s gotten at opening up to us! Don’t worry, by the way, because he didn’t talk to me about _this,_ except, well, he did text me before you got here to tell me that you really do want to make amends and to keep that in mind, which I already knew that and I have kept it in mind so it was honestly pointless. 

“Anyway, Akira talks to us and we talk to him, sometimes we all talk in a group and sometimes individually. We talk about.. everything. Things we all dealt with, things only Akira had to deal with, and sometimes… things that only.. you had to deal with,” Haru shot a hesitant look at Goro to make sure he wasn’t about to lash out at her or something before taking another deep breath. 

“When we would all talk about the metaverse together, we finally admitted something out loud to ourselves that we were all in silent agreement over during our time as thieves. It was after Ryuji confessed that despite their constant bickering, he was grateful for how lucky we were to run into Morgana to explain the metaverse and teach us how to manifest treasures to change hearts. Ann then emphasized the significance of changing hearts, that it forced those who wronged us to gain a conscience and suffer in the consequences of their actions instead of taking the easy way out through death. That’s when we finally admitted out loud to each other that _that_ is why we liked being thieves so much. Sure, getting criminals to admit their actions made the phantom thieves look innocent enough on paper, but what we _really_ liked about it how much they would have to _suffer._ ”

The look in Haru’s eyes when she confessed this to him reminded Goro so much of a look he recognized from seeing it on himself so many times, and he had to hold back a gasp because he had never seen this look on Haru before. Even though Haru could be caring and kind and a million other different synonyms for compassionate and empathetic and everything Goro thought he _wasn’t_ , this look seemed to fit her surprisingly well, and he found himself thinking that the two of them might be more similar than he originally thought.

“We were so grateful that Mona taught us how to change hearts because it forced those people to suddenly understand the weight of their crimes and emotionally torture themselves with guilt until they eventually rotted away and died slowly in a jail cell, forever judged by the outside world and never shown forgiveness. Ann was right, that was worse than a quick death. That’s what we liked about it. I’m sure you can understand why we wanted our revenge to be the worst fate possible.

“When Akira would talk to us about the things that only he had gone through, though…” Haru’s face became less sinister and more sympathetic as she changed the subject, “he reminded Ryuji that it wasn’t just luck that they ran into Morgana, because Mona was literally created to help him through the.. _game_ he was thrown into. And when Akira would talk to us about what only _you_ went through, he said he didn’t think it was fair that you had your free will taken by the same god and didn’t have a magical cat to guide you, or _anyone_ to help you at all. 

“And that made us all think, if we had been as young and alone as you were when we awakened to our own powers, we didn’t have a doubt that we would have ended up in a similar situation that you did. Because you did not have a cat to teach you how to change hearts, and you were filled with rage just like us, and you also wanted the people who wronged you to suffer the worst fate possible. The only difference is… if we had been in your situation, if.. _I_ suffered through the same things you did, I don’t think I would have been able to.. redeem myself the same way you have. I don’t think I could make an effort to fix my past mistakes like you have tried so hard to do.. I truly would like to fully forgive you in the future, Akechi-kun, but understand that it will take time.”

Goro nodded somewhat dazed because he couldn’t really comprehend all the things he was being told, “I–”

“I’m not quite finished,” Haru interrupted him, but her tone was still somehow patient, “I understand you beyond the similarities we share, I also understand our differences. For example, I grew up rich while you grew up poor.”

“You...” Goro furrowed his brows quizzically as he tried to figure out where Haru was going with this, “...pity me?

“No!” Haru immediately insisted until the forced politeness washed off her face, “Well, to be honest, I do pity you somewhat, yes. And do _not_ tell me how much you hate that because I’m well aware that you do, but I’m telling you this because it is simply a thought that I cannot help but have. I don’t think of you as some helpless infant but.. well, I wouldn’t feel sorry for you on purpose if I could change how I felt about things.”

Though Haru was right about Goro hating being pitied, he stayed quiet because he understood why Haru was being honest so with him. She was implying that she knew Goro also had thoughts he couldn’t control, and for what was not the first time since their discussion started, Goro once again found himself thinking that they were more similar than he thought.

“But I do not just feel bad imagining you growing up poor and without proper care, it also helps me put certain things into perspective,” Haru continued, “I grew up rich, so I naturally was raised to expect good things to happen to me. That makes it easy to imagine that you, who grew up poor both in money and _love,_ —” Goro forced himself to not roll his eyes at that when he reminded himself that he was lucky Haru was even talking to him in the first place, “—would grow up to naturally expect bad things to happen to you. That.. it probably didn’t take much deliberation for you to decide to throw your life away. I imagine that things must have even been so difficult for you that an easy death was the only option you saw available for yourself.”

Goro swallowed a lump in his throat because of how right she was. He had forced himself to stop crying over his mother when he missed her during his days in the foster system, and he forced himself to get used to the real world so he wouldn’t cry ever again. He thought about Akira forcing himself not to cry on the night before they stopped Maruki and when Akira told him that he had to force himself not to cry when Shido charged him for assault, and Goro wondered how old Akira was when he also learned to expect bad things to happen to him.

“Akechi-kun, I do honestly hope that someday you become used to the kinder parts of life and understand that you deserve good things to happen to you as well,” Haru smiled at him for a moment, and Goro thought about the that kindness she and the other thieves showed him that night in Shido’s palace, and he would remind himself in the future to tell her that their kindness is what made him want to keep living.

“Now, I have some things I would like to admit that I hope you don’t take as me bragging about my background considering all the things I’ve said to you,” Haru’s smile faded into a serious look as she waited for Goro to nod, “As much as I appreciate honesty and you and the other thieves becoming better about opening up, there are something you simply don’t say to another person. And one of those things is that I know you believe that my father did deserve to die, and the others all believe the same to some extent as well, which I am not mad about because he did hurt me when he changed into a heartless greedy asshole and he hurt countless employees when he did so. He _hurt_ me when he stopped caring about me entirely and only wanted to use me as an object to further his own wealth. I told you that we wanted our targets to suffer the worst fate possible, so I’m sure you can understand that I _did_ want revenge on my father for what he did to me and his innocent workers. At first I was somewhat mad about you taking my revenge from me, for quickly killing him instead of letting him suffer for what he did, but I guess we sort of did the same thing to you with Shido..”

Haru let her eyes fall for a second, and Goro briefly wondered how much of his life she pitied him for. She sighed before continuing her thoughts, “So, yes, while I believe _that_ version of my father deserved to die, sometimes.. I really feel like the daughter of that version of my father. Heartless and.. deserving to die. 

“While I thought he _deserved_ to spend the rest of his life in a jail cell suffering the worst revenge possible, what I still found myself craving at times was quite selfish, to keep my father around to make up for all the time I lost with him. Even if.. he would never be the caring person that I thought he once was, and even if he never truly was that person to begin with, I still wanted him around. 

“That’s why it was so hard to deal with his death.. Some days I would even take the heartless greedy asshole version of my dad even though innocent employees would _die_ because of his actions and his greed, his _abuse._ But.. there were some days where I just.. I _didn’t care..._ And.. and I feel like such a hypocrite.. for being so mad at you for killing someone as terrible as him while I continue to mourn for someone heartless who practically let his employees drop dead like flies. _I’m such a terrible person._ ”

As Goro watched Haru take a few deep breaths to relax herself, he almost let himself wonder if he should say something to help her calm down, but he was starting to understand this girl himself, and it seemed like she would prefer for him to let her do the talking for a while.

She pulled herself together again and lifted her eyes that were focused on her hands in her lap to look at Goro again, “As I watched Akira mourn for you.. when he thought he lost you.. I don’t think he talked to the others that much about it. But.. I reached out to him first because I knew what it was like to grieve over someone morally grey. And although I selfishly wish for my father’s company in any way he would offer it, I think that even if he hadn’t died and kept living with a changed heart.. I still don’t think he would have ever been able to change himself into even a fraction of such a.. wonderful example of how someone can grow when they set their mind to it in the way that you have, Akechi-kun. I hope you understand that I plan to make the same effort you have to bring myself to forgive you, I don’t even feel half as mad anymore..

“There are other circumstances in which I really feel like my father’s daughter. Sometimes I can’t imagine a life without greed, I pity people without it, but I find it hard to give enough of it away because I.. need it so much. Almost like money is a part of me and I’m nothing without it. It makes me feel greedy and _dirty_ and awful, and I wish I didn’t have these thoughts because it makes me feel like such a terrible person but I can’t.. help it. 

I understand if this doesn’t paint me in a positive light, and I’m really not trying to _brag_ to you in the slightest. You are more than welcome to be disgusted by my greed considering the hell you’ve been through and because it honestly is disgusting for me to be so selfish, but I hope you understand why I’m sharing these things with you. Some of this is difficult enough to admit to myself that I’ve never even considered telling them to another person before…”

Goro did understand why she was telling him this. Goro would be the king of having impulsive thoughts that made him feel like a terrible and selfish person if such a title existed. He knew how difficult it was to talk about things like that, and he almost smiled at the fact that despite their differences, Haru still truly understood his way of thinking enough to be able to confide in him things she had never told anyone else before. Goro thought it was kind of ironic that the ex-thief he worried he would get along the least with was one that understood him in ways others couldn’t.

He figured Haru was done with her monologue because she was looking at him with hopeful eyes as if she was the one who was supposed to be begging for forgiveness here. He considered telling his thoughts to her, telling her that he had constant impulsive thoughts that made him feel greedy as well, but he knew she was already aware of that. So he simply settled with, “I do understand why. I’m glad we’ve been able to find a starting point, Okumura-san.”

The smile on her face was similar to the look that had been in her eyes earlier, less evil than before but still just as mischievous, “I am as well. And please, call me Haru. If you ever find yourself in financial trouble, please do not hesitate to ask me for help. But since no one has ever taken me up on that offer before, you _better_ not complain when you receive a stocking full of cash each Christmas like all my friends do, got it?”

Goro nodded and Haru rubbed her hands together almost like a villain in a cartoon, “Great! Oh, by the way, while you’re here, would you like to see my axe collection?”

Goro was really glad that he bit the bullet and began working towards making amends with Haru. He was starting to be able to picture a friendship between the two of them in a way he couldn’t have imagined possible before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Akira helped him practice what he would say to Sumire, he also didn’t do that either. Goro just told him to call her and invite her over because he didn’t need to practice what he would tell her. He didn’t know how much Sumire knew about him, but she had seen Goro put everything he had into killing shadows, so she probably expected him to be somewhat.. deranged. But recounting his tragic backstory to Sumire will have to wait until another time, right now he just wanted to have fun with her again.

So Akira invited her over to have pizza and watch movies with them, and Goro didn’t have to deliver an apology as heavy as he did when he apologized to the other thieves for betraying them and killing their parents, but he did, however, apologize for not keeping in touch with her, which he felt bad about because he genuinely did want to be friends with her. Even though he wasn’t a huge part of her life, he understood that she was still trying to deal with losing her sister at the time and losing a new friend might have made things even harder for her. Sumire’s grin stretched from ear to ear as she told him she knew he was taking his time to deal with personal stuff, and what mattered is that they could be friends _now._

Goro considered that for a moment before telling her he would really enjoy that. He thought it was a sweet sentiment and found his mind wandering to his new beginnings with all the ex-thieves and their potential futures. Sumire was right, what mattered is that they could be friends now.

And he did become friends with them. All the thieves called him by his given name now, and as they watched each other continue to grow and heal, Goro found himself happy that not everything in recovery had to be about ugly feelings, sometimes he could just relax with his friends and act like the child he never had a chance to be. 

He would play shooting games with Futaba and Ryuji and eat junk food and stay awake until ungodly hours of the night with them. He would do spa days with Ann and Sumire, even with Shiho joining them occasionally to stuff their faces with the giant buffet of desserts in Ann’s apartment. He continued to have mostly silent study sessions with Makoto and every once in a while she would invite him to dinner with her and Sae and would join in on the lively conversations the sisters would have these days. Haru indulged him with the only thing he actually missed from his days as a celebrity, insane and ridiculous displays of opulence. 

Haru would bring Goro and Yusuke to all of the odd rich people places she could find. They would get weird, avant garde food that Goro couldn’t imagine anyone eating for actual nutrients. They would go to abstract art galleries and to stupid country clubs dressed ridiculously preppy to whack golf balls and to an opera once, which probably would have been boring without Yusuke’s extremely bewildering commentary. They all made fun of the way rich snobs would look down on them for their immature and _improper_ behavior, and they laughed even harder at the way the adults would get angry when they realized that they didn’t care about being looked down upon anymore.

Goro watched Haru become more generous over the years as she gave away larger sums of money to charities while still keeping enough for herself for her life to remain luxurious. Although Goro still thought that no one needed that much money, he knew how hard that must have been for her to do, and he found himself feeling proud of her for getting better at it. He felt proud of all the thieves for how far they’ve come, and he smiled thinking about when they told him that his own growth inspired them to become better people. Goro nearly started crying when they admitted that to him because they were what inspired him to make an effort to get better in the first place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Goro, you…” Akira’s voice snapped him back to the present, where the two of them were standing on Haru’s balcony alone in the chilly October air because all the thieves together in one room was still overwhelming at times, and he’d rather focus on Akira who was still pressed close against him with his hand on Goro’s cheek, recalling the night he gave him that sweater, “you showed up at my door as if you somehow sensed how much I needed you.. and you didn’t tell me you were coming because you probably knew I would have insisted you stayed home and that I was fine even though I wasn’t fine and I really wanted to see you.. I don’t know how you can always tell exactly what I’m thinking..”

Goro wondered the same thing about Akira sometimes.

“So when everyone was suggesting theme ideas in the groupchat, I didn’t care what they would pick because I.. I don’t know I was just thinking about you. I thought about the night you gave me this sweater, so I planned to wear it tonight because it means a lot to me and it made Halloween a lot more significant to me and maybe you would think it was cute if I wore it again. When you made this for me.. well, I think it was the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. You can be so kind, Goro…” 

Goro swallowed a breath as he looked at the expression on Akira’s face that he had been trying to make sense of. His hand was still on Akira’s wrist from when he had to snap the other boy out of his own thoughts earlier. He wondered if they were thinking about the same things.

“I really.. love this sweater, Goro.”

Goro looked at the sweater, which was somewhat difficult to do because of how close Akira was to him, and considered it for a moment. It was.. an okay sweater. It was a decent job at his first successful human-sized sweater. He could definitely make a better one now, but even with his improved skills he would still be somewhat proud if he made this sweater today.

It was still lumpy and nothing fancy. The pumpkin on it was just an orange blob with uneven stitching and a lopsided stem at the top. It looked cute on Akira, because he looked cute in everything, but Goro wouldn’t say he _loved_ the sweater. More like.. he loved the boy in the sweater.

Oh.

At that moment, Goro had a revelation similar to when he realized he was in love with Akira. He had a revelation that this sweater holds more significance than just being something Akira looked cute in.

The way Akira was looking at him was starting to make a lot more sense. 

Goro still struggled with a lot of things, and even though each stage of recovery got a little easier when he loosened the nozzle and found a place to start, there were things that didn’t get easier even after he took his first steps.

So it was kind of interesting that in a rare instance of self-love, Goro thought that there were a lot of reasons for Akira to love him. Goro felt.. special. In the same way he always thought Akira was. In the same way he felt when he first met Akira and thought this boy who was trying so hard to fit in with the crowd was interesting and that someone so special shouldn’t try to hide themselves like this. 

Akira had never been a regular high school boy, even though Goro wished he had the chance to be, because he would always be more than that. Goro would still think Akira was special even if he was never forced into being a hero, because he would always be more than just a hero, too. He wasn’t someone who should try to hide within a crowd or hide behind a mask of fake bravery for the sake of everyone looking up to him.

So when Goro’s eyes met his, he just saw _Akira,_ who was looking back at him in a way he didn’t look at anyone else.

“Akira..” Goro had to take a few deep breaths because Akira was looking at him so intensely, like Goro really was something special. It made Goro feel special.

Goro realized that the reason he hadn’t recognized the expression on Akira’s face was because no one had ever _loved_ him the way Akira did, and Goro thought there were a lot of things Akira should love about him. 

Goro looked into Akira’s eyes and that was enough to confirm that, yes, Akira was 100%, without a doubt, clear as day just as in love with Goro as Goro was in love with him. Goro didn’t have to wonder if he had the same look on his face, but he wondered if Akira could read his expression the same way Goro could read his.

Goro wondered if Akira was even aware that he was in love with him, because even though he’s gotten better at it, Akira often has a difficult time understanding what his emotions meant and what he was even feeling in the first place. 

Goro sometimes didn’t know what to say to Akira to help him come to terms with his feelings. Sometimes Goro didn’t know what to say to Akira in general because he would get awkward and nervous about his _crush_ and he would stutter and feel like he was in high school again when his heart rate would speed up from Akira just looking in his direction. He wishes they could do what they did before Goro reached out to the thieves so he could practice his words, but he obviously can’t practice with _Akira_ about what he would say to _Akira._ Ugh.

If Akira knew he loved Goro, would he have told him already? There had been countless instances that would have been the perfect time to tell him if he was aware of his feelings. Maybe he was just nervous and scared of rejection like Goro was. Maybe he was waiting for Goro to say something first. Maybe he really didn’t know he was in love. Or maybe Goro was wrong and Akira didn’t love him…

 _No._ Even if Akira himself isn’t aware of how he feels, his eyes are determined, Goro can see how much Akira loves him without having to be told. Because what Akira feels for him is beyond love. This is Akira who knows him, Akira who understands him, who likes him, needs him, the first person to ever actually want him. Akira who loves Goro as much as Goro loves him, and Goro has kept it in for so long that he _can’t take it anymore._

So Goro decided to try the therapist approach that he sometimes did when he wanted to help Akira understand his feelings while making him believe that he thought of it himself, so he said again, “Akira.”

“Hm?” Akira tilted his head to the side, still wearing the cat ears, and Goro really thought he might melt from cuteness.

“Do you think that.. the reason you love the sweater so much is because..” Goro would have taken a longer moment to pause and reconsider everything if he wasn’t so confident in the unmistakable amount of love on the other boy’s face, “you love.. me?”

Goro immediately started internally panicking because Akira was suddenly laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world, and Goro realized maybe it was the wrong thing to say and _oh god, is this rejection?_

Akira could probably sense the panic on Goro’s face because he tried his best to stifle his laughter so he could speak, “Sorry, you just really sounded like my therapist for a second.”

Goro honestly didn’t think that how he said it was as important as the components of _what_ he said. “Uhm..”

“Goro,” Akira couldn’t help but let out another laugh, “I already _know_ that I love you, like duh, it’s so fucking obvious. Like, literally everyone at this party knows it, too. Do _you_ know that you’re in love with _me?_ You’ve said it in your sleep before.”

“Of course I know that I’m in love with you!” Goro squawked, somewhat offended, “That’s fucking obvious too. Besides I’m clearly _way_ better at accepting my feelings than you.”

“It’s not a competition,” Akira laughed with a hint of seriousness, but he knew that Goro stopped comparing the two of them a long time ago, so his tone was mostly lighthearted, “but if it was, that is so not true. I’m great at accepting my feelings. For example, I knew that I was in love with you that time that asshole customer left Leblanc and once it was just us and Sojiro, you said something super mean about the customer under your breath that you thought we wouldn’t be able to hear. Then when you heard both of us laugh, you tried to apologize for being so rude because _the_ detective prince would _never_ be caught being so _brazen_. And you kept trying to put that fake polite smile on your face, but you couldn’t do it because you were trying not to laugh at us laughing, and you looked like you were having a seizure kind of, it was hysterical– _Ow!_ ”

Akira pouted as Goro hit him on his upper arm, which changed into a smirk when the brunette decided to keep his hand on his bicep for a little longer, “I was just getting to the cute part too, god. Anyway, you were just _you_ for a moment, and, well, when I saw you, Goro, how could I not fall in love? I accepted my love for you immediately because it felt so natural, like I was always meant to fall in love with you.. so good luck topping that, Mr. Feelings-Accepter.”

“Did you mean _this_ fake smile?” Goro pointed at himself as he heard Akira giggling, which was almost painfully adorable, and tried his best to smile in the way he hadn’t in years.

“You can’t even do it anymore! You look just like–” Akira cut himself off with his own laughter before continuing, “just like you did on that one night! Fuck, you’re so cute.”

Goro felt his face heat up as a blush spread across his cheeks, “You... you’re cute.” His face burned even more when Akira’s grin widened at the compliment and at the sight of Goro’s blush, “I didn’t want to accept that I was in love with you at first because I thought.. I thought I didn’t deserve someone as good as you or.. any type of love in my life.”

“Hey,” Akira wrapped his arms around Goro’s waist to pull him into a hug. Goro always loved when Akira hugged him, “You deserve all the happiness in the world, Goro.”

Goro didn’t really know how to respond to that, so he just nodded his head against Akira’s shoulder and instead tried to think about how he felt when he realized he was in love, “It didn’t take long to eventually accept my love for you, though. I’m pretty sure that I’ve loved you since we first met. I wouldn’t have ever been myself around you if I hadn’t..”

Akira’s arms squeezing him tighter encouraged Goro to keep talking, “I realized how much I loved you when you.. got down on one knee and asked me to move in with you.”

“Seriously? _That’s_ what did it for you? I was worried you wouldn’t even say yes, no way did I think it would make you realize you loved me,” Akira laughed as the two of them began intuitively swaying together to the muffled sounds of Futaba’s playlist, “That’s fucking hilarious. I remember you were all like _’ugh fiiiine’_ but internally you were probably like _’oh Aki-chan~ you’re so sexy-’_

“I don’t sound like that at all,” Goro muttered, hiding his red face against Akira’s shoulder.

“ _’Aki-chan will you do this when you ask me to be your boyfriend~’_ ”

“Stop it,” Goro’s sigh turned into deep breaths to take in Akira’s scent, “You could ask me that right now.”

“But I don’t have anything to propose to you with..”

“What, like a ring?” Goro scoffed as one of his hands moved to play with the bottom of Akira’s hair, “You can get me gifts later.”

Akira smiled as he leaned into the feeling of Goro’s soft touch, “You know if you say things like that I’ll blow my entire paycheck on you.”

“Do _not,_ ” Goro tugged lightly on Akira’s hair to make him know he was serious, “I’m not covering your half of the rent.”

“I’d give you my money stocking from Haru to make up for it,” Akira started gently kneading his hands against Goro’s lower back in a way that reminded Goro of a cat.

At that thought, Goro’s hand in the other’s hair moved up to nudge the cat ears on Akira’s head. So cute. “Stop being so cute all the time. Weren’t you going to ask me something?”

“Yeah, lemme just—”

Goro cut off Akira’s attempt to get down on one knee with an eye roll and a fist in his hair pulling tightly to make him not move, “You don’t have to do that. Just hold me for a while longer.”

“Okay,” Akira wrapped his arms around his waist again, almost holding him up as Goro collapsed heavily against his chest.

Goro sighed happily against him, glad that he didn’t need to use his legs anymore, “I like that you’re tall now.”

They fell into a short moment of silence as Akira held him tightly as they found themselves gently swaying to the distant music again. Goro felt safe in Akira’s arms, he felt a warmth that was more than just physical, he felt a warmth in his heart that probably would have been too overwhelming for him back when his heart was cold and fragile. So much vulnerability and so much love would have scared him and sent him running and trying to collect the pieces of his icy heart that was shattered by warmth. He would have never even entertained the idea of letting him have something like this. God, he used to be such an _idiot._

He wanted to stay like this forever.

“Well..?” Goro broke the comfortable silence, mumbling into Akira’s chest as the taller boy held him close, “If you don’t ask me already I’ll ask _you,_ so hurry up.”

“I wouldn’t mind hearing you ask me,” Akira laughed, a beautiful sound that Goro felt in their embrace as much as he heard, “but I’d enjoy asking you a lot more. Look up at me first, beautiful.”

Goro looked up at him.

Akira’s smile was so breathtakingly _adorable_ that Goro wanted to.. eat it. Okay that was a weird way to express that he wants to kiss Akira, but this boy is looking at him like he was the most important thing in the entire world and Goro _can’t think right now._

“You and me. Boyfriend and boyfriend. Whaddya say?”

That was enough to make Goro think again. “That sucked.”

“Wha–? _Baaabe,_ ” Akira pouted at the glare on Goro’s face and lightly shook the boy in his arms like a toddler throwing a tantrum, “You put me on the spot! That’s not fair.”

“Don’t _babe_ me, you don’t get to do that yet,” Goro gave up on his harmless glare and tried to put on a pout to match Akira’s, “You haven’t thought about how you would ask me?”

“O-of course I have! I mean, I would do what I did when I asked you to move in with me except, like, way more romantic! I would give you one of my gloves–”

“Too sad.”

“Too.. sad..?” Akira furrowed his brows as he let his confusion show on his face. 

Goro sighed as he once again let his head fall against Akira’s chest to rest beneath his chin, “Not quite sad, but too.. I don’t know. I think I would see that as more of an ending to our story than a beginning. It’s just too…”

“Overwhelming?” Akira finished for him, moving his hands to Goro’s hair to run his fingers through the brunette locks, “I didn’t see it as sad, but more.. nostalgic. I mean, we’ve had hundreds of new beginnings since then, and you don’t even need to wear them anymore so I.. I thought.. maybe..”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I suppose it is nice when you think about how far we’ve come since then,” Goro pulled away from Akira’s chest to look into his eyes again, “I could see it as a new beginning. Perhaps you can do that, uhm.. next time..?”

“Next time?” the smile of Akira’s face was completely knowing, he definitely did _not_ need a clarification, the asshole.

Goro could play along, but as long as they were on the topic, “Yes. Next time. We can have a more detailed discussion about this later, but I want you to know that I do plan to take this very seriously, and I expect the same amount of effort from you. If this doesn’t work, it’s a failure on both our parts, and I hate failing. Do you understand? I figure you know me well enough by now to know that I do not half-ass things. And I want this to last.”

“M-me too!” Akira rushed out, putting on a nervous smile as he was somewhat taken aback by Goro’s seriousness, “I would totally love for there to be a next time! I’d love to marry you! I’d marry the fuck out of you, seriously. I-in the future, I mean! And if that’s what you want and only when you’re ready!” One of Akira’s hands in Goro’s hair moved to sweep back the hair on his own forehead as he took a deep breath, “Fuck, Goro, I mean.. I want this to last too. We’re a team now, so you better keep communicating with me and stuff..”

“We’ve always been a team. And we’ve gotten so good at communicating, it would just be senseless to stop now,” Goro smiled until Akira was smiling back and suddenly he felt his heart burst into flames from the warmth of it all, “Akira, why don’t you ask me again? Not too casual and not too emotional. It’s just me...”

“Right. It’s just you,” Akira took a deep breath as he stared at Goro until the two of them were grinning like lovestruck idiots at each other. Akira’s smile eventually turned into a giggle and Goro wished he could somehow put the sound in a bottle and listen to it whenever he was feeling sad, “Goro.”

“Akira.”

“I don’t think I was ever genuinely happy until I met you,” his hand made its way from Goro’s hair to softly rest on his cheek as Akira admired his fragile features, “I’ve seen you genuinely happy, too. I’ve seen.. _you._ Because you’re you now! And that just makes me want to shout from the rooftops how much I love you, so... Do you want to keep making each other happy? And be my boyfriend?”

“We’re sort of on a rooftop right now...” Goro mentioned with a tone he tried to keep as innocent as possible even though his teasing grin clearly gave him away while his eyes briefly flickered from Akira’s face to the cityscape beyond the balcony, “Why don’t you shout it now?”

“It was a yes or no question, Goro.”

“I’ll consider saying yes if you do it, _Akira._ ”

Akira put on his best kicked puppy face at the sound of the childish voice Goro used to mock him, “Why are you making me go through so many steps to be your boyfriend? I just wanna be yours already, babe.” 

“I never said dating me would be easy,” Goro laughed, “What? Too scared to do it?”

“No,” Akira said with a firm voice as his gentle fingers brushed Goro’s hair behind his ear, “I’ll do it if you do it.”

“What? No way–”

“I never said dating me would be easy. Someone super cute told me that~” Akira was now twirling Goro’s hair around his finger before altogether releasing his hold around the older boy and taking a step away from him, “Well, go ahead. I’ll let you go first so I can show you up.”

Goro almost argued, but he knew Akira was just as stubborn as he was sometimes, so there was really no point in wasting his efforts. “Fine.”

Goro cleared his throat and took a breath that sounded more like the huff of a toddler before raising his voice somewhat to half-yell, “I love you.”

Akira let out a breathy laugh at the pathetic attempt, “What was that? I thought you said you weren’t gonna half-ass this.”

“I-it’s.. embarrassing,” Goro mumbled, the blush on his cheeks red enough to prove it.

“What? Too scared to do it?”

Goro just gave him a cold glare that didn’t have the intended effect in the slightest considering how warm and red his cheeks were in comparison. 

Akira laughed at the sight because Goro trying to glare his embarrassment away was extremely adorable before he continued his attempts at persuasion, “Goro, I’ve seen you yell louder at inanimate objects for being in your way.”

“That’s... different.”

“Is it? I’m honestly amazed that you haven’t permanently damaged your vocal cords yet.”

“ _I get it._ ” 

“But fine, if your love for me isn’t passionate enough to yell about then I suppose I’ll take my turn,” Akira inhaled in preparation to say in the same level of half-yelling that Goro used, “I love you.”

“Seriously?” Goro’s tone and the glare still on his face were completely void of amusement.

“I told you we’re a team,” Akira grinned and thought it would be funny to further provoke Goro by poking his blushy cheek, “You have to put in effort to receive effort.”

“Why– stop it,” Goro slapped Akira’s hand away to make him stop poking his face before Goro then cleared his throat and decided to try his best attempt at a kicked puppy look, “Why did you have to turn this into a lesson, _Aki-chan?_ I just wanted to hear you yell about how much you love your _boyfriend~_.. Please? For me?”

“That won’t get you out of this, honey. Very cool that we are now confirmed boyfriends, though,” Akira said as a smile crept onto his face at the sound of Goro muttering _fuckinggodfineihateyousomuchasshole_ under his breath.

Goro looked at him for a second before deciding, “Give me a moment.”

Goro didn’t know if Akira could tell what he was thinking from his expression alone as Goro thought about all the reasons why it took so long for the two of them to reach this point in the first place. Why it took him and Akira so long to admit their love for each other. All the obstacles they’ve unfairly been forced to overcome. Goro didn’t want to specifically think about Shido or the god of control because they didn’t even deserve a second of his time, and they were _gone._ It wasn’t fair that the beginning of their friendship had a time limit, only to be cruelly faced with another one in Maruki’s reality. But now there was no time limit. _**Finally.**_

Goro thought about all the times he would chant _IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou_ in his head as though if he thought it loud enough Akira would be able to hear his thoughts. Goro wondered when it eventually worked.

For someone whose entire life had once been consumed by anger, Goro found himself learning for the first time that he could feel happiness at the same intensity that he once felt rage. Which is why it was surprisingly easy to yell, _actually_ yell, purely out of happiness the same way he did when he felt consumed by anger as he tightly squeezed his eyes shut. All he could think anymore was _IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou,_ so he probably yelled something like that but he wasn’t really paying attention to the sound of his own voice, his mind too occupied with thinking about his love for Akira that he barely realized he had said anything at all until he noticed a sting in his throat from yelling his thoughts.

He opened his eyes to see Akira’s bright grin stretching wide across his face, and he suddenly felt all of his nervousness wash away as he smiled back and waited for the other boy to take his turn.

Goro thought Akira was so much like a cat sometimes that it could be scary, which is why it was especially ironic that Akira, still wearing cat ears, was suddenly rushing towards Goro like an overly excited puppy to lift him up and spin him around as he yelled, “ _I LOVE YOU!_ ”

Goro _oof_ -ed at the unexpected force of Akira barging against him then eventually let himself relax against his body as the younger boy spun him around a few times before setting him down. When his feet touched the ground, Goro had to take a few steps in place to catch his balance due to feeling a combination of dizzy, a little bit tipsy from the single can of Four Loko he had earlier, and somewhat like a bowl of human spaghetti because he was expecting to be held by Akira longer and not have to worry about using his limbs that currently felt like noodles. _Is this what love is? Feeling like noodles?_

“Woah shit, you okay? How many drinks have you had?” Akira’s concern suddenly turned more panicked as his eyes widened, “Oh my god, fuck, I should have asked you that before all this. Fuck, I’m so sorry–”

“No, I’m fine!” Goro’s eyes widened as well as he hurriedly tried to rid Akira of his panic, “Seriously, I had one can of Four Loko, and I’m barely tipsy. I just get dizzy easily! And, well, also because I’m.. uh..” he flashed his cutest possible smile at Akira that he hoped would make the other boy think what he was about to say would be sweet and not just dumb (although both would be acceptable), “...drunk in love?”

“Fuck,” Akira said with a dazed look, and Goro wondered if the smile he gave him was incidentally too cute because he was expecting an eye roll at the very least, “I need to find a can of Four Loko to drink _stat_ so I can kiss your face off,” 

“One drink difference hardly matters, Akira, I did say I’m barely tipsy,” Goro still turned his head in the direction to the small tea table that he set the Four Loko can given to him by Akira’s chihuahua kitchen friend, “But I had only one sip of this one if you really want to catch up to me.”

Goro was about to hand the can over to Akira before he pulled it back against his chest to say, “So you’re aware, I don’t plan to drink any more than what I’ve had tonight. I don’t want to be drunk on our first night together..”

“Good idea, we can get drunk at Sumi’s Christmas party instead,” Akira grinned as he took the can that Goro was now handing over to him with a returning smile, “Oh, and.. just to be clear.. by our first night together.. you just mean..”

“N-not like that!” Goro rushed out before feeling his cheeks heat slightly, “I mean not tonight, but.. maybe once you take me on a real date?”

Akira’s face was even redder than Goro’s was at that, “Oh! C-cool. Yeah. Cool. Cool beans. Totally.”

“Akira..”

“You’re just super hot,” Akira ran a nervous hand through his hair, “I really want to impress you.”

Goro blinked for a second and had to make sure that it was Akira that had said that and not Goro who had actually said it about Akira without realizing before he eventually squeaked out, “Me?”

Akira blinked back at him, “I don’t see anyone else out here.”

“You heard me earlier when I said I love you right, Akira? You’ve already impressed me countless times. And..” Goro swallowed, “You’re like.. _so_.. hot. Unbelievably hot. It makes me feel lascivious.”

At that, Akira’s dorky grin returned to his face, “Good to know. And I won’t judge you if you just say you’re horny.”

Goro squeezed his eyes shut and wished there was a way to stop his blush from making him look like a tomato, “I-I don’t want to say it like that.”

“You’re cute,” Akira laughed before his expression turned more serious, “I was– _hah._ I was serious when I said I wanted to marry you, so don’t think that I just want sex from you and rush yourself into–”

“Don’t worry about it,” Goro cut him off, “Seriously. I know it’s just because you care, but I’ve been in love with you long enough to know that I’m ready. Like.. beyond ready.”

“Me too,” Akira nodded, looking into Goro’s eyes with an intensity that showed how sincere he was, “I’d love to take you on that date. There’s.. never been anyone but you, Goro.”

Goro didn’t know if he meant love or sex or dating, but it didn’t really matter. Even if there had been someone in the past, Goro didn’t care, all that mattered was that they had each other now. Plus, Akira telling him that he wants to marry him was helping boost his confidence as well. Fuck, Goro really wants to kiss him..

Akira was probably thinking the same thing because he was suddenly holding the Four Loko can up higher in acknowledgement. “I’m going to drink this now,” his eyes met Goro’s again, searching for confirmation, “Cool?”

Goro grinned at him playfully, “Yeah, cool beans, Akira.”

Akira glared at him in a way that made him look like he was trying to impersonate one of Goro’s deadliest glares and failing because of the amusement still clear on his face, “So what? A guy can’t get nervous when his hot boyfriend says he wants to have sex with him and respond with something stupid without getting made fun of anymore?”

“I never said it was stupid.”

“You thought it.”

“I thought it was cute.”

“You can think both things,” Akira laughed, and once Goro was laughing too, he raised the can in a _cheers_ gesture before saying, “Bottoms up.”

Goro watched as Akira chugged the Four Loko before crumpling the empty can in his fist and tossing it in the general direction of where the tea table was, not noticing where it eventually landed because his eyes never left Akira’s.

“Now that we’re even– _mmph!_ ” Before Goro could say _what are you going to do about it,_ Akira was, of course, showing him what he was going to do about it by pulling Goro towards him by his cardigan before pushing his back against the railing of the balcony and, as he said he would earlier, kissing his face off.

Akira kissed him and Goro just.. he just.. just _**melted**_ because, _fuck,_ he had wanted this so bad for so long, and Akira’s lips felt so nice against his. Soft.. and warm.. and, oh, Akira’s tongue was in his mouth now and Goro felt his mind shutting down completely. All he could think of was Akira and his _perfect mouth perfect body perfect face,_ and Goro’s dictionary of a brain couldn’t even think of a different word because Akira was humming against his mouth, and when Goro felt their tongues brush against each other all he could think was _perfectperfectperfect._

Goro didn’t really know nor care what he was doing with his hands, he just wanted Akira closer and closer and _closer,_ so he was just trying to pull Akira as close as possible by pulling on his shoulders his neck his arms, _fuck,_ his _arms._ Goro could tell clearly what Akira was doing with his hands, however. Each touch felt like fire as he moved his hands from where he held fistfuls of his cardigan to then caress his face, and now Akira’s hands were in his hair and tugging lightly with his.. long and slim fingers..

When Akira pulled away from the kiss to say something, Goro’s subconscious mind was acknowledging the sudden absence of warmth of the other boy’s lips, and Goro was involuntarily whining Akira’s name in a voice that probably sounded somewhat like an embarrassing squeak at the shock of Akira pulling away.

Goro was too entranced to even notice that anything came out of his mouth until Akira was giggling and Goro suddenly had to kiss him again.

“Your hair is so cute, Goro,” Akira sighed happily as he ran a hand through Goro’s hair after their _too short_ kiss, “I love it like this.”

Goro was about to retort that he’s had his hair like this for like 3 or 4 or a million years already _it’s nothing new,_ but Akira was speaking again and interrupting his thoughts, “So cute, darling. Everything about you,” Akira pressed a single peck to his lips, “is so cute.”

Akira kissed him again, and Goro felt tingly all over because he really liked kissing Akira, wondered why they haven’t been kissing all this time. Goro feels.. all the cliche things they talk about in the lovey bubblegum pop songs and cheesy rom coms that he never indulged in before he met Ann and Futaba. He feels butterflies and fireworks as time stops and it’s just the two of them and angels sing, the heavens open up, all that stuff. Goro doesn’t know enough about kissing to know if they’re doing it right, they’re both inexperienced and unsure about some things until they find what feels _nice,_ and Goro doesn’t think there’s a way to do that wrong.

And it’s _Akira,_ he feels all those cliche things because it’s _Akira,_ who he loves so much that he didn’t think it was possible, and Goro just wants to.. _kiss him!!!_

So Goro keeps kissing him, and Akira tastes like coffee, enough that Goro wonders if he made himself some before coming to the party to help himself stay awake longer. He also smells like the conditioner that Goro makes him buy (after Goro found out what terrible shampoo and “““conditioner””” he was using before, Goro made Akira try _his_ shampoo and conditioner, which made Akira’s hair even harder to tame, and Akira refused to use it but _eventually_ settled on a brand that actually worked for his hair after Goro begged him to not return to convenience store hair products), and Akira’s hair was a little bit fluffier than usual in the way that it got when Akira blow-dried his hair, so Goro figured he probably also took a shower at home after his shift at work. Goro also thought about Akira wearing the sweater he made for him and how Akira said he wanted to impress Goro, and he feels all those cliche thoughts all over again. 

He briefly wondered if other people felt like this when they kiss the person they love, but he doubts that it’s as intense as this because _no one_ is like him and Akira. The two of them are special, their bond and their level of understanding lets them communicate beyond words, and right now, as they were trying to show each other all the love they had through kisses and touches, Goro stopped thinking about what other people felt because _no one else matters._.

Goro licked into Akira’s mouth, feeling the burning passion between them and savouring the taste of his boyfriend – his _boyfriend,_ he wondered if he would feel electricity tingle up his spine every time he thought about it. Goro’s hands found Akira’s arms again and immediately started thinking about when Akira lifted him earlier and wondered if he could lift him for longer. Akira has been going to the gym a lot this semester, so it probably wouldn’t be hard for someone as strong and tall as him to lift him, and Goro really wanted to wrap his legs around Akira’s waist and just.. _climb him._

The feeling of Akira’s firm muscle under the soft crocheted sweater where Goro’s hands caressed his arms and all the sweet little sounds Akira made as their tongues brushed together desperately just made Goro feel so _good_ , and apparently he wanted to climb Akira even more than he thought he did because he hadn’t even registered until after the fact that he had pulled away from Akira’s lips to ask, “Can you lift me?”

“Yeah, _fuck,_ ” Akira hissed breathily, sounding completely gone, and it seemed as though he liked the idea as much as Goro did because he was suddenly removing his fists from Goro’s hair and sliding his hands down every inch of Goro’s back at a tortuously slow pace as if he wanted to savour every detail of Goro’s body. The older boy’s breath hitched when Akira’s hands reach his ass to give his cheeks a squeeze for good measure, and he felt Akira moan while kissing him _hard_ before he eventually pulled away with a smirk that turned into a cocky grin when he saw how disheveled Goro looked. Akira delivered a quick open-mouthed kiss to Goro’s swollen lips before his hands planted themselves on the back of Goro’s thighs in a strong grip to lift him, “Come here, baby.”

Goro would have maybe reconsidered waiting until the first date to have sex because he really wanted all of Akira in every way possible, but he also _really_ liked kissing him. Goro had always wanted to kiss Akira, and even when he would imagine doing so, he never knew it would feel _this_ good. He really wanted to take his time exploring Akira’s mouth and learning their way around each other because they have _time_ now. _Time time time._ Time to kiss and time to have sex and time to go one dates and time to fall in love over and over and over again. No more counting down the days until an inevitable end, no burden on their shoulders, no outside force controlling them, _no one else._

And while Goro was relieved to not have a time limit, if he spent another second with his legs not wrapped around Akira’s waist he would literally evaporate or explode or something equally dramatic, so he moved his hands to Akira’s shoulders to steady himself as he hopped up and.. well, really he expected he would have had to do more work but Akira’s hands supporting him made him feel light as the taller boy effortlessly lifted him. Goro proceeded to wrap his legs around Akira’s waist and pull their bodies as close as possible while he admired Akira’s features, having to look _down_ slightly to meet his eyes. 

Really, Goro had no other choice but to stare at Akira for a moment. It had been a while since Akira had to tilt his head up to look at Goro like this, and the soft light of the city reflected in his eyes and the rings of deep, stormy greys were somehow comforting and made Goro feel warm. He brought a hand to rest on Akira’s cheek, who nuzzled against his touch as Goro ran his thumb across his cheekbone. His delicate skin was glowing in the city light and the gentle autumn breeze was softly blowing his fluffy hair, his cheeks were heating under Goro’s touch as a blush spread across his face from how intensely Goro was examining him in awe as he thought about how much Akira looked like an angel.

 _Fuck,_ Goro thought, _he’s so beautiful._

“Fuck,” Goro voiced aloud because he decided Akira deserved to know this, “You’re so beautiful.”

Akira smiled, something so bright and toothy that whatever he was going to say in response was quickly forgotten as Goro brought their lips together in a kiss that was much slower than before. This kiss was less needy but just as passionate as they took their time lazily tasting each other and fitting their lips together over and over again. It was gentle and wet, and Goro almost felt overwhelmed by the amount of love between the two of them, and even though he thought the two of them looked perfect together and he loves being perceived as a couple, he hoped that no one else could see them because this moment was too precious, too delicate and gentle, too loving for anyone else to see.

He really could stay here as long as possible with Akira’s strong arms holding his thighs and just kiss him until Haru got tired of her friends making out on her balcony and forced them to leave. Though Akira eventually did pull away so their foreheads were touching, which was fine too because Goro could also just stare at Akira until Haru kicked them out, but then Akira was suddenly breaking the silence that had been filled with just their heavy breaths, “Goro, as hot as it is to have you and your legs all wrapped around me like this, uh, my arms are kind of starting to get tired..”

“Oh!” Goro’s eyes were wide as he dropped his legs back to the ground from realizing that Akira was probably tired _in general_ from working such a long shift on a busy night, “I’m sorry, you’re probably exhausted, and I dragged you out here as soon as you got here.. though I guess that ended up going better than expected.”

“Uh yeah, like a million times better than expected,” Akira flashed a wide grin, running a hand through his disheveled hair before his hands moved to squeeze Goro’s reassuringly, “And don’t worry about it. I was planning on finding you first thing anyway, but you beat me to it.”

Goro returned a shy smile and felt his cheeks begin to heat again, “Well, I.. would recognize your laugh anywhere.”

Akira’s smile managed to grow even more as a giggle escaped his lips, “You know, I am pretty tired but.. we could continue this at home. Laying down this time. As long as you pin me down with your legs around my waist again..”

“But I thought you were really looking forward to this party?” Goro questioned, keeping his eyes focused on their entangled hands and trying to keep his face from not getting any redder as he pictured what Akira was describing.

Akira just laughed at the sight of Goro’s complete and total failure to stop his blush from spreading, “Yeah, I was. Only because you and I always have a great time on Halloween, thought I made it clear that I love _you._ ” 

Akira poked Goro’s cheek again and beamed when he wasn’t met with a death glare this time, “By the way, can we have the party at our place next year so we can pick the theme? Even if I wasn’t projecting all my love for you onto this sweater, I still would’ve thought this was a weird theme for a Halloween party. Oh, and just so we’re clear, I love the sweater _and_ you, both things can be true.”

“If we host next year’s party we’re not having a theme,” Goro lifted his eyes to meet Akira’s again, having come to terms with a blush permanently living on his face now, “If Haru wanted a burlesque themed party I don’t know why she didn’t simply have one on a different occasion. Why would you want everyone to look the same on Halloween? And we definitely won’t have to wait until Christmas for an opportunity to get drunk, we’ll probably get invited to at least three different theme parties between now and then because your friends are _addicted._ ”

“Our friends. And you know, Goro,” Akira started, amused by his boyfriend’s huffiness, “we look too good together for you to get out of a couple’s costume next year~”

Goro just sighed defeatedly without even trying to put up a fight because, “Yeah, I do know.”

Akira smiled brightly in response, which just made Goro want to kiss him again. His hand fluttered up to brush some of Akira’s hair out of his face, and Goro let his fingers continue to run through the dark curls as he spoke, “So about continuing this at home..”

A flash of excitement lit up Akira’s eyes, “Anywhere you want: my bed, your bed, couch, kitchen counter–”

“Your bed!” Goro rushed out to make Akira stop talking _immediately_ , “Your bed is fine.” Yes, Goro’s room was cleaner, but his bed didn’t smell like Akira so..

“Nice. Put your shoes on and we’ll go there right now,” Akira reluctantly let go of Goro to let him put on the doc martens before correcting himself, “My shoes. Oh, also, serious question, Goro..”

Goro looked up from where he had started lacing up the boots to see Akira rubbing the back of his head nervously, “Yes?”

“Kitchen counter in the future sometime, right?” Akira grinned bashfully at the sight of Goro shooting him a hard glare.

“Never.”

“Bet I’ll change your mind~”

Goro stood up after he finished tying the laces and thought Akira was lucky he put on his shoes so quickly or he probably would’ve chucked one of the boots at him. Well, if Akira really was insistent on changing his mind sometime, Goro wouldn’t put up too much of an effort to stop him.

He instantly reached to grab Akira’s hand, a habit he could easily see himself getting used to. They crossed the few steps of the balcony together, Akira stopping them just before the door and tilting his head towards the commotion of the party, “You wanna tell them?”

Goro considered this. He’s imagined countless times how good it would feel to rub it in the faces of all Akira’s stupidly attractive and nice friends that Akira wants _him_ and not _them,_ and he wanted them all to envy him for finally having something that they couldn’t have _for once._

But right now.. he doesn’t really want any of that. He feels secure about Akira’s love for him, and he doubts any of their friends would truly envy him anyway. They would all feel happy for them for finding happiness in each other and finally getting together, Akira wasn’t kidding when he said practically everyone at this party already knew they were in love with each other. 

So Goro decided that while he would like to show off a strong and healthy relationship that anyone would be lying if they said they didn’t want themselves, he wasn’t going to _rub it in_ per se.

“Let them figure it out themselves,” Goro eventually settled on. “If they get confused they can probably just get confirmation from Futaba. She might even already–” _***ping!***_ “–know...”

**You were added to a group with 2 others**

**Futaba:** congrats (=^ ◡ ^=)♡

“What the hell?”

 **Goro:** what the hell

 **Akira:** thanks futaba! ♡͙♡͚₍⸉ॢ⸍͕͈ ˕̫ ⸌͔͈⸊ॢ₎♡͚♡͙

“Stop it.”

 **Akira:** lol he’s big mad

 **Goro:** /ᐠ – ꞈ – ᐟ\

 **Futaba:** goro can i be ur best man at the wedding

 **Goro:** …

 **Goro:** fine

“Hey.”

At the sound of Akira’s voice, Goro slipped his phone back in his pocket to give the taller boy his full attention, watching as Akira opened the door to let the sound of the party flood through. Goro looked at the crowd of his friends and.. potential future friends.. ( _god,_ he would be embarrassed to even think like this if he didn’t have an entire laundry list of things to brag to his therapist about at his next appointment), all of them dressed in similar bright sequins and feather outfits, and Goro didn’t really want to walk through all that drunken colorful chaos. 

Akira must have had the same thought because once Goro was looking back at him, he was flashing a grin and saying, “Race you to the elevator?”

“Not fair,” Goro pouted, “My shoes are heavy.”

“My sho–” Akira’s correction was cut off by Goro tugging him by the hand through the living area of Haru’s condo as quickly as possible. Goro thought for a moment that the matching cat ears they were both wearing seemed to be fitting with how they managed to swiftly make it out the door without anyone trying to talk to them, but he quickly discarded that thought because he realized that they moved with the opposite of cat-like stealth, laughing as they rushed through the middle of the party and knocked into all their friends who barely registered what had happened or who bumped into them. 

Goro had assumed that the reason why Akira suggested the race in the first place was so they could get home to kiss faster. It wasn’t difficult to come to that decision, considering they kept holding hands the entire time and continued to hurry to the train station and didn’t even keep track of who technically won.

It was nearing midnight, but the city was still alive. As Goro felt the cool autumn breeze against his face and the weight of Akira’s hand in his, he examined the lights and the people in costumes surrounding him. He watched Akira, who was pulling him now, and thought about all their beginnings, individual beginnings they watched the other experience and beginnings they’ve shared. 

When Akira turned back to smile at him, it was so radiant and loving, something that should be treasured because it took years for Akira to find the happiness to be able to smile like that, and Goro had a feeling that this beginning was going to be a good one.

**Author's Note:**

> really hope u enjoyed this!! wish we had more canon therapy!goro to go off of besides the crumbs we did get but alas.
> 
> learned one thing while writing angst: It Is Hard.
> 
> I did very much enjoy exploring Haru's personality though! love my three-dimensional ladies.
> 
> [my twit](https://mobile.twitter.com/meowingz)


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